Before the Bullets

Since I first heard about the elementary school shooting in Connecticut I have saturated myself with all the accessible details of the shooting. Recently, a lot has come to light about the shooter himself. His name was Adam...No one has come forward that really knew him, they just know about him and that includes his own family. People have noted that he was an incredibly intelligent young man but very reclusive. Authorities have said that his parents were divorced several years ago and neighbors commented that his mother was very strict and overly controlling of Adam. Over the past 2 days there has been a collaborative effort from police, psychiatrists, forensic experts, and journalists to obtain information about this young man. I find it tragically ironic that this profound effort to find out what Adam was going through only occurred after 28 lives had been lost.

I can't express the sorrow I feel that people such as Adam Lanza, Jacob Roberts, James Holmes, Seung-Hui Cho, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold are only of interest to us once they committed heinous crimes that claim many innocent lives. I can't help but wonder who noticed that these boys weren't doing so well, or had become reclusive, or seemed troubled, or were dealing with family trauma and just went on about their business. It takes years of neglect and despair to build up the kind of helpless rage that allows evil to enter a person's heart, soul, and mind to the point that they can only express themselves through tragic loss of life. Why can't we be interested in these people's lives before they reach this fatal breaking point? Are our schedules really that demanding? Are our priorities really that far out of whack? Are we really that self-centered? God, I hope not.

We will spend hours reading about ruthless killers online, but we wont take 15 minutes to talk to the weird kid in the corner about what's going on with his life. There are 28 families, hundreds of children, and thousands of relatives, friends and community members that are reeling from one of the most devastating events that will ever unfold in part because no one cared enough to find out why the neighbor boy always looked so upset and never played with the other kids.

Look, I don't want to rant about who's to blame for this because ultimately Adam chose to pull the trigger and that's on him. However, I think it would be naive to turn this into a gun control issue when clearly there are an abundance of disturbed young men in this world who can't find the proper love, support and guidance to make it through this life without massacring a school, theater, or workplace and eventually turning the gun on themselves. We are all connected; we are all in this together. Our life choices affect everyone around us and we've got to stop thinking that "our life is simply our own" therefore we can carelessly move through it without regard for how we impact others, both positively and negatively. How is it that we are so captivated by anything with a battery and WiFi yet we neglect to see the most beautiful things around us; other human beings? We were made for human interaction. We need relationships and most importantly, we crave intimacy and when we go long enough without any of these things there's no telling what darkness will fill the void.

Let's start caring more for the people around us then the games in our phones. Let's prioritize relationships over our careers or monetary success. Let's begin to light up the darkness.

Catching Up to Katie

I recently read a book called Kisses from Katie written by a young woman named Katie Davis, who at the age of 18 went on a mission trip to Uganda and fell in love. Katie fell in love not with a handsome young man, but rather with a country and a nation full of people in need. After her senior year of highschool she moved permanently to Uganda and started caring for young, sick orphans, which soon sprang into a fully-funded non-profit that sends hundreds of impoverished children to school all while caring for their medical needs and providing meals for them throughout the week. Katie actually ended up adopting 13 young girls who were in the most desperate situations. Katie Davis has done all this by the stagering age of 23. I know Katie would probably rephrase that by saying "God has done all this through me", and that's just another testament to her extreme humility.  

I was blown away by all that God has done through Katie. Her amazing heart and courageous attitude have opened a miraculous door to God's will in her life that I both admire and envy. Part of me wanted to up and move to Uganda and try to marry this girl, yet another part of me wanted to emulate what she has done in this crazy, mixed up town called Hollywood. I don't think I'll be starting any schools or adopting 13 kids anytime soon, but I do believe I could open my heart as she has done so beautifully to the plan God has for His followers.

However, so much of me still questions whether or not I will ever be of any use to God in this city. I feel unequipped to handle the weight of sin and the veil of misconceptions that Satan has worked so hard to wrap around this society. After finishing Kisses from Katie it seemed to me as if there is more hope for Uganda than there will ever be for Hollywood. Maybe it has to do with the whole "blessed are the poor, the meek, the mourners, the pure of heart, and the persecuted" that Jesus talked about during the Sermon on the Mount. There is hope for those people, so hope fuels Katie's mission. I, on the other hand, feel much more like I'm ministering to the city of Judah during Jeremiah's time as a prophet there. Judah was so far from God that He told Jeremiah on multiple occasions not to even bother with praying for the people of Judah (Jer. 7:16, 11:14, 14:11). God goes so far as to say to Jeremiah that "I will not let my pity or mercy or compassion keep me from destroying them." (13:14) That's a far cry from being blessed in every imaginable way.

Despite all these misgivings I have about ministry here, I cannot help but feel lead to at least try and facilitate some type of dynamic change in my community as Katie did. There is an undeniably great need for change here and a change that only a God who works through miracles can facilitate. When times of doubt and despair come along I cannot help but remember what the first days of this ministry felt like. I remember driving back from my first gig working on CSI:NY with the windows down blasting Frank Sinatra and feeling so hopeful about where God had brought me. The first few months went on like that and every deep conversation about Christ that occurred on set felt as though God had physically lead me to it. In contrast, I remember how all summer I was met with total despair and hopelessness as the task at hand seemed too daunting for any one man to conquer. Katie calls this one of the greatest lessons we must learn: "The tension between inefficiency and faithfulness". The contrast between feeling a distinct call to serve somewhere and the powerful feeling of spiritual uselessness that follows is a topic Katie is all too familiar with and describes eloquently in her book.

"The happiness that gave me chilll bumps was as deep as my loneliness. My sense of certainty about being exactly where God wanted me was solid, but just as firm was the fact that I wondered at times what on earth I was doing here. The frustration that threatened to overtake me on some occasions was just as deep and true as the unbounded joy I felt at other times."

I can't put a price on the knowledge that my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ are going through the same thing as me. Katie's experience quelled a great number of the questions I had floating around in my head about whether or not I was in the center of God's will. At one point, she quoted Fredrick Beuchner who said "The place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I can't count the number of days where I have experienced a deep gladness to be working and serving in Hollywood. I'll be the first one to admit that sometimes the "deep hunger" here gets to be overwhelming, but at this point I wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel like if we aren't being overwhelmed by God's will from time to time then we probably aren't following God's will for our life. Katie also adheres to this belief as she writes "I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in our lives."

How beautiful is that statement? It may not sound appealing if you live a comfortable life, but to those of us in the field taking fire from all directions, it comes across like sweet music to our ears. I know He will wear me down to my bones, but I can't wait to see how God shows up in my life to work miraculous signs and wonders here in Hollywood. I'm giddy with excitement for the day when I can look back on a life well served and well used by my Creator. I hope and pray that big things begin to happen soon, for I am indeed impatient when it comes to witnessing the glory of God here on Earth. While I know that everything happens in God's perfect timing, I'm still eager to catch up to the kind of work Katie's been doing.

Converting Satan

I have a problem. There is this nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me I can save everyone no matter their disposition on faith. No matter if they're extremely violent, bitter, hateful, gay, or just lost in general; I believe with the right words or enough time spent together that they can be reached. I want to believe that somehow the light of Christ can break through whatever walls they may have spent a lifetime setting up and eradicate the darkness of their soul. Sadly, I'm beginning to think that there is a harsh truth I may have to accept which contradicts this hope I have spent my life nurturing.

When people get into heated discussions with me, some would call them arguments but I try to never argue because no positive change ever comes from an argument, they often say that I come across as unrelenting or even exasperating with my tireless pursuit of some type of resolve to the conversation. It may seem as if I want everyone to believe exactly what I believe, but that isn't true. I only want people to believe what I believe when I think that their beliefs cause them harm. I truly want what is best for everyone despite our differences because I believe that everyone impacts the world with how they handle themselves. If someone is "self-destructive" they are not just harming themselves but the community around them as well. It may not even be a community they themselves perceive but it is indeed there. I can't simply drive my car irradically down the freeway saying "It's my car and I can drive how I want! If I crash and burn it only hurts myself anyway!" Anyone who has been in a car accident and lost a vehicle or loved one to a careless driver knows that our mistakes often have profound ripple effects that travel unexpectedly through the world, even impacting complete strangers. It is for this reason that I want to evoke as much good in people as is humanly, or should I say divinely, possible.

Look at the impact that one cocky, pissed off angel had on humanity. Lucifer conned humans into letting Sin enter into the world and forever changed our destiny. He took with him God knows how many other angels who were at one time goodhearted followers of God and corrupted them into demonic figures who stalk the earth looking to terrorize human beings. Knowing myself, if I were in Heaven when Lucifer rebelled I would have been pleading with God to just let me talk to him for a bit, to let me hang out with him and get to know his side of the story, maybe play some basketball together or go see a movie and grab coffee afterwards so I could develop enough trust and credibility to speak into his life. I know this is foolish but I just can't shake this enduring hope, this relentless optimism that somehow God could use me to change even the vilest of beings.

I believe that there is a good inside everyone and everything God created that can all too often be severely repressed in our hearts. While I believe it can be repressed, I do not believe it can be extinguished. People usually lift up Hitler as one of those people who was so clearly beyond salvation. I think Hitler had a pretty screwed up childhood and that he developed a twisted comfort in hate rather than love at an early age that grew into total depravity. It's incredibly tragic how our neglect can cause enough pain in one person's life to inspire genocide years later. It is for this reason that I have to believe that Christ's enduring love poured out through us can cause and even greater impact on people's lives. I have to believe that. This life doesn't make sense if that isn't true and our God is not a God of true love if that's not true.

So this is the part where Scripture kind of rains on my hopeful parade...I know Jesus talks about there being one unforgivable sin, that being blasphemy against the Holy Spirit in Matthew 12:31. This fact is echoed throughout parts of the New Testament, such as 1 John 5:16 which goes so far as to say that we shouldn't even bother praying for people who have committed this sin. That's harsh to me, but it doesn't mean I disagree with it. It clashes with my soul because it means there are people in this life that will completely understand who Christ is and was and is to come, yet still be able to thoughtfully reject Him. The prime example of this, besides Satan and Hitler, would have to be Judas. I feel bad for Judas because someone inevitably had to be born as Judas in order to fulfill the prophecies made about Jesus. If we all cast lots before we were born into this world, then Judas drew the shortest possible lot and got the shaft where the sun don't shine. How sad to be so close to the Son for so long and be destined to never truly taste His love and grace, and instead suffer God's eternal wrath. Satan experienced the greatness of Heaven and still rejected it! How are these things possible?! What is it about our human nature (or angelic nature for Satan) that can be so corrupted that we can have Jesus right in front of our faces and still say "Get lost, I'm better off without ya." I know I'm supposed to turn my back on these kind of people and shake the dust from my sandals at them but I just can't do it. Maybe I need to be broken down a bit more until I'm jaded about humanity, but I find myself constantly praying for these hopelessly lost types.

As I end this discourse on reaching the unreachable I'm humbled by how Scripture constantly reminds us that we may feel justified in our questioning of the ways of the Creator but in actuality it is the most arrogant thing we can possibly do. Romans 19:17-22 says:


¹⁷ For the Scriptures say that God told Pharaoh, "I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you and to spread my fame throughout the earth." ¹⁸ So you see, God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen. ¹⁹ Well then, you might say, “Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven't they simply done what he makes them do?^{" 20} No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?" ²¹ When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn't he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? ²² In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction.

Echoing this point of view is Proverbs 16:4 saying "The Lord has made everything for His own purposes, even the wicked for a day of destruction." I don't know if I'm not allowed to pity the jars that were made to be thrown into the fire or not. It seems like a crappy deal to me, but who am I to question the will of an all-powerful, all-mighty, omnipotent God? I hope God sees my compassion not as dissent against His will but merely a love for what He created---all that He created. I'm trying to accept His will for creation day by day and not waste my time trying to convert Satan or save Judas from disaster, but it's more difficult than it seems; for how do we know who is really a 'Judas' or a 'Pharaoh' and not just someone who is extremely lost yet still retains the possibility of being saved?

Questions without Answers...That's as good a place to stop as any.

Movie God

"I was born to do make movies. This is my essence, ya know? If I couldn't do this...I might as well blow my brains out."

Now, I knew my roommate was committed to making movies. It's all he talks about, all he thinks about, all that he stresses out about and dreams about. He is a self-diagnosed insomniac and spends most of his nights and early mornings watching films only to come in and out of mild sleep. Movies are his life. On top of all this, he tells me he is a fellow Christian. His name is Tom.

I like Tom, sometimes. He is boisterous, loud, charismatic, and a salesman if there ever was a salesman. He can pitch any idea or opinion, no matter how outlandish, with such confidence that you find yourself actually believing that there might be an inkling of valid reasoning or actual proof behind what he is saying. He'd be the first person to buy you a beer or welcome you into the house. I pity Tom with all my heart.

Tom recently finished production on a movie that he wrote, directed, marketed, and invested in with all of his time, energy, and money. It's called Nomad, it's a science fiction action movie, and it's absolutely terrible. Tom believed that this movie would allow him to break into the industry and begin his ascent into stardom as a major movie writer/directer, but sadly I'm beginning to believe that it will never happen for him. Last night we were having a discussion about his future and what he plans to do now that his film has still not sold (he literally has searched the globe for foreign and domestic film studios that would be willing to buy his movie). As we talked it became more and more apparent that becoming a successful director is all that matters to Tom. He mentions getting married and having a family but only in a flippant tone that pales in comparison to the excitement with which he discuss his dream career as a film maker.

Eventually it got to the point where I asked Tom what he would do with his life if he couldn't make movies. That's when I got the response I quoted earlier. I was shocked at the veracity of his statement. I simply shuffled back against the kitchen counter and half chuckled out "That's a little scary, Tom." He asked me what I meant and being that it was 2:30am in the morning and I'm already too honest with my opinions even when I'm well rested, I simply stated "Well, it sounds like movies are your god." That sparked an amusing dispute, to say the least.

I don't think Tom is used to anyone giving him such an honest opinion. I've only ever seen people agree with him or if they disagree with him then he just talks over them until they give a sigh of defeat and ask themselves "What's the point?" That to say, I think I startled Tom with such a heavy, loaded response. While my concern was for Tom's well-being it certainly must not have come off that way. He was caught off guard and once he was able to grasp what I said he jumped right on defense. I realize now that Tom has never been concerned with understanding what anyone else is saying; he merely waits to give his own opinion or correct your point of view (Proverbs 18:2). I know I was taking a certain liberty with my opinion that I may not have earned in Tom's life but that doesn't change the fact that all signs point to the fact that Tom spends his life thinking, working, and loving film yet occasionally professing this devotion to God. It's as if I were to say I'm a SF Giants fan yet I wear all LA Dodger's colors, I cheer for the Dodgers, and I discourage the way Giant's fans act.

People do this all the time. True faith equates change and evokes action. We can't claim to know God and yet do nothing for Him. People who claim to know God and yet live aimlessly are mistaken, for they simply know about God and have no clue about His amazing call on their life. They have no relationship with the Creator and you can watch how their life cracks and crumbles in ways that it would never do if there was the stability of Christ within them. One of the scariest passages in Scripture to me is Matthew 7:21, which says "Not everyone who calls out to me, 'Lord, Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." I'm afraid for Tom and many others like him. I don't know for certain where Tom will go when he dies but I do know how he spends his time, how he talks about women, how he views money, possessions, and fame. I know that he knows a bit about God but I don't know if he knows God. I worry for him. I worry for many in this town who think they know what is of true value in this life. I wish I could realign everyone's perspective to see the importance of the Kingdom of God above all else (Matthew 6:33). I wish I could make movies that would make people realize that movies aren't God, money isn't God, and fame certainly isn't God.

Maybe someday...

1899

So much has changed. A year's absence has produced growth in the most unexpected areas. New basketball courts, sand volleyball courts, a turf field and even new dining areas. Lord knows the food here hasn't been good since it started over a hundred years ago so hopefully this new addition will take APU to a whole other level.

I graduated from Azusa Pacific University on May 7, 2011. That makes it just about 456 days since I belonged here. Now I'm out of place. I am relegated to the alumni, labeled a "visitor" as I walk the halls of the place I called home for 4 years of the most pivotal time in my life. 4 years...Oh how 4 years seemed like a life sentence when I first crossed the threshold of Trinity Hall and unloaded my things into my new place of residence at 2nd North room #234. I knew not a soul yet mine would find its place here in these halls, classrooms, libraries, coffee shops, lawns, and chapels. The mural that was painted on the wall in 2nd North by one of the residents, my old friend Colin, still remains as tribute to all those who make that special part of Trinity their home and foundation for the rest of their time here at APU. I wonder where Colin is today...I wonder where most of those guys from 2nd North are now. Most are probably married. They'll have kids and neglect to tell them all the stories of the wild times they had in their freshman dorms.

I'm amazed at how well protected I was at APU. I never committed any of the carnal sins that young people away at college typically have the excuse to committ. I'm so thankful that my only serious trials were caused by making hard decisions to follow Christ in the best way I knew how. I wish I would have been more involved, but it's hard to conquer being shy when feeling lonely feels safer than being rejected. I look back on APU with fond reverence as a place so saturated in its authenticity and beauty that it sucks people in like quicksand to a life lead apart from risk and sacrifice. This place reminds me, like a slap in the face or a swift kick to the groin of the risks and sacrifices I've made. It reminds me of how I've met great success only to be humbled by great failure. It reminds me to never stop learning and most importantly to never give up on going after the unsure things in life. I start to wonder if is this place has changed at all or if what I feel is merely a reflection of how much I've changed since I began my journey here almost 5 years ago.

Is it wrong that I wish I could go back? Ecclesiastes 7:10 says "Don't long for 'the good old days.' This is not wise." I've always made fun of those who thought high school was the greatest time of their life, but this is different. At least, it feels different. Going to APU was like getting a deep tissue massage. When you tell someone you're going to get a massage they may think "Oh, that's so great!" or "Wow, you must be spoiled." But the thing about a deep tissue massage is that it isn't restful, it takes you way out of your comfort zone, and while there are fleeting moments of pleasure it typically hurts the entire time. Furthermore, you don't fully realize the benefit of the massage until way after you're done. I'm thankful for every knot APU helped my work out. Most of all, I'm thankful that APU showed me how to prevent the knots in the first place. It's a steep learning curve once you exit the protection of scholarly halls and classrooms filled with knowledge, guidance, and support. I thank God for where I am, where I've been, and where I'm going. Thanks to all those who have helped me along the way and who will hopefully continue to help me along this mysterious new path. God knows I need as much help as I can get!

Covert

When I was a kid, my brother and I would spend a big chunk of our summers driving around with our dad looking at houses. My father was an appraiser back then so his job required that he measure, document, and compare houses in the surrounding areas of the particular house he was appraising in order to formulate a reasonable estimate of that house's true value. Sometimes these real estate scavenger hunts felt as if they lasted all day and all night, and then all the next day too. My brother Will and I would try to find ways of entertaining ourselves, but this typically ended in some form of punishment as we usually roughhoused in the spacious backseat of our Bronco, or played hide and seek in the vacant house my dad was measuring. My father had an uncanny way of hearing us cause trouble no matter how far we thought we were from him, and as we got older we had to learn how to be more covert when breaking the rules. While I can't speak for my brother, I find that to this day I am indeed still very covert when it comes to breaking the rules.

I don't say this to brag but rather to confess an unfortunate quality about myself that has been developed overtime through sheer survival instincts. When I was younger I just wanted to be able to stay up late, own a samurai sword, or play with firecrackers. Now, the desires are much more R-rated in their nature, the persuasion to disobey is more convincing than ever and the punishment for breaking the rules is far more devastating. What I've realized as the stakes have been raised is that there is no level of stealth attainable to sneak past the Father. I will never be covert enough to fool Him into believing that I was really just playing peacefully in my room when in actuality I was defiling His temple. There is no space under the bed where I can hide my paraphernalia from Him and pretend that I just keep stacks of Bibles under there. Most of all, there is no lie that I can profess that He has not already condemned within me. I've messed up a lot in these past 23 years. More than I care to admit, but I would not be the man I am today had I not found the redeeming truth that lies within every punishment I received for my transgressions.

I like to think that I have been punished enough in my short life time to be considered a connoisseur of castigation, at least when it comes to divine correction. What I've come to understand about the way God punishes us is that His worst punishment is no punishment at all. In other words, we suffer most when God just lets us be. God's punishment redirects us and makes us aware of His divine sovereignty. However, when we are left to wander aimlessly down dark paths our journey can only end in despair. I've only experienced this kind of abandonment once in my recent past and it is something I never wish to experience again. I'd rather suffer a divine spanking for running out into the street than suffer the pain of being run over by a truck of despair.

I believe despair is the direct result of God's absence in response to sin in our lives, and in essence, is the greatest pain we can experience. I don't believe that any part of Jesus' crucifixion was as painful as when He looked up to the Heavens and felt completely abandoned by God. Jesus didn't deserve that pain because He never sinned, but because we do, Jesus got the ultimate shaft in suffering despair like no one else has ever suffered despair. I got a taste of despair this past July and it nearly broke me. If I got a 3 out of 10 on the despair scale, I can't image what it was like for Jesus to get an 11. Yes, His scale goes to 11.

It's hard for me to conclude my thoughts on all that I've learned from straying off the path so often, but here goes; There's a lot out there that seems so promising yet ultimately leads to total self-destruction. It's sad how pride can fool you into thinking you always know what's best for yourself. Darkness is contagious and the moment you start convincing yourself that a certain kind of darkness is an unavoidable evil, that is the very moment that you give the enemy a foothold in your life. You give him an inch, soon he'll devour a mile. I think having a good memory is crucial to surviving darkness because when it's all you see it's nearly impossible to believe that there is still a flickering light far off in the distance. Jesus remembered the light on the cross, can we remember it in times of despair?

Therein lies the rub...

Taking Stock

It's 11pm on an average Tuesday night in July. I hear crickets, the occasional car sputtering down the street, and my mind wanders to worrying about how early I have to be up in the morning. I question how well I will function on such little sleep. I don't focus on the fact that I have my own bed with soft, clean sheets. I don't appreciate the sound of crickets rather than gunshots. I'm not conditioned to appreciate the space I call my own room. I expect these things. I know this place. It's all so familiar and too commonplace to be appreciated. I did little to earn this spot in society. I was given a body that walked and talked and was fit enough to work. I was blessed with a mind able to comprehend my surroundings and make educated decisions. Why then do I feel so entitled to all this? How could I ever fail to appreciate eyes that see, ears that hear, a mouth that speaks, a heart that beats, a brain that senses, and a soul that seeks.

For a moment I'm struck with the fleeting nature of this life. The twisted uncertainty of this sinful, broken world sneaks up on us when we least expect it, where we are least prepared. In cars, in homes, in towers and in movie theaters. We carry on in the most unassuming ways in the least threatening locations yet somehow we never cease to be surprised by terror. I don't want to be surprised anymore. I don't want the unexpected unless it means that there is a good which will arise from the ashes that no one could ever have expected and makes all who witness such tragedy realize there is an opposing, and dare I say, far greater good than evil residing in this world. I hope this is the case. I hope with all my heart.

Some people call that being naive. Some believe no great thing can be done without first greatly compromising one's character. I know a man who would beg to differ. He keeps me going when hope seems scarce. He has Risen like no one else could hope to Rise. He is my shelter while the world promotes cheap thrills and apocalyptic flings. The world has no answer for the darkness. It has no comfort for the widows. Utter silence abounds when questions seek reasons for life and loss. Purpose muses the philosophical and stays hidden in shadows of intellect. There is no hope for a true worldview if the world is blocking our view. The world begets darkness.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Shawshank never spoke truer words. But this thought is unfinished, unrefined if you will. Where does true hope come from? Can it reside in something so dark as this place, or is it drawn from light that is simply not of this world? I cannot help but hope that there was, and is, and is to come just such a light. This light has reminded me time and time again about the bed, the room, the house, the car, the legs, the eyes, the ears, the mouth, the mind, the friends, the family, and most importantly the love that have all been laid before me...

With this in mind, reinstated by force of will, I can finally sleep peacefully.

Mental Agoraphobia

I'm starting to become wary of overly introverted people. It's fine if you don't like parties or loud music and prefer one-on-one interactions, much like I do, but there's something dangerous about taking up residence in your own head for too long. Being consumed by the solace in our own minds is scary place to be for any extent of time and if our voice becomes the dominant voice speaking into our lives than we are descending down a dark and tragic path. I have known and loved several extremely introverted people and sadly I'm beginning to be jaded by the outcomes of these relationships.

Mental shut-ins, or agoraphobics of the mind as I think of them, constantly fail to reap the benefits of human intimacy. Worse yet, they lash out at those who get close enough to tempt them out of their safe, little worlds created in the vacuum of their obsessive thought life. We all create realities for ourselves based on how we perceive every aspect of life, be it pain, love, heartbreak, or happiness. We also tend to resist people (or even deities) who threaten to change the structure of these worlds we've created through our accumulated perceptions. We will become so self absorbed by our own realities that we will even begin to accept harmful things as familiar things. We alter the true characteristic of inherently good or bad things to fit our skewed worldview. For instance, if we are angry all the time we will just shift our view of anger so it becomes a source of comfort rather than a toxic emotion that degrades our souls over time. The same goes for love. If loving relationships constantly end in heartbreak or loss, then love must be an evil thing that needs to be avoided at all costs. It kills me to watch loved ones go through this because they allow pain to run so deep and their minds to be so corrupted that any source of light and truth appears manipulative and offensive.

Maybe the theme of this post isn't so much about the dangers of locking ourselves away in mental and emotional solitude, as much as it is about the tendency to rely on experience as a basis for truth. I once read that "experience is the mother of all deception". In the Wesleyan Quadrilateral, which many theologians use to develop doctrines of faith, there is a system of using Scripture, Tradition, Experience, and Reason to formulate a belief system. It's what I try to employ in my life as much as possible. The way it is supposed to work is more like a pyramid than a quadrilateral. Scripture is supreme and ranks 1st above everything else. Tradition comes in 2nd as it is the "living faith of the dead" (not 'the dead faith of the living' as it has become in many denominations *cough*Catholicism*cough*). Experience is at the bottom, but nonetheless very important. Finally, Reason is supposed to be used throughout the other three sections of the pyramid, sort of like a common thread holding it all together. No piece of the pyramid should be implemented without a great deal of rational thought. That is why experience is so tricky because it is so so so subjective. Yet we, as individuals in our nature, tend to tip the scales in favor of our own personal, subjective experiences rather than scripture and tradition outweighing experience by several tons. The more we dwell on our experiences, shut out the traditions of believers who have thrived before us, and ignore the Word of God, the more we will be apt to slip into the abyss of our own prideful mindset that dictates just how profoundly intelligent all of our views are on everything under the sun.

I do love, with all my heart, several people in this world who have been so damaged by what this life has thrown at them that they have retreated into the ramparts of their minds. It's dark and quiet and lonely, but so very safe. They put up a veneer of strength in solace and adopt a slogan of "proud to be going it alone" or "rugged individualism" that has been celebrated by our culture for so long, but it is so utterly false. Their lives lean on shaking beams beneath a foundation they created from their own shattered hearts...

I'm sort of at the end of my rope and reaching for another as I continue to love these people and give them all I have to give. Beyond that, all I can think to do is sit and pray, and pray, and pray that God kicks down the walls these people have fought so hard to build around their hearts and try to prevent others from walking down a similar path. I hope you will pray with me and continue to hope for better things for all the lost and broken people working so hard to protect themselves rather than surrender to the abundant safety that only lies within the arms of our Savior.

Remain Changed

A good friend of mine recently told me how unsatisfied he was with his job. I wanted to look him straight in the face and reiterate the fact that I work as a background actor. Unsatisfying is in the job description, as well as "Must be as unnoticeable as possible" and "Should feel comfortable being demeaned by all manner of coworkers, including but not limited to small children." However, I felt comparing my humble position to his prestigious employment wouldn't help raise his spirits any. He makes great money, works in exciting environments, and is constantly challenged to come up with innovative solutions to dynamic problems. It's a dream job in many ways. However, it's his first job working outside of a Christian organization. This may not sound like a big deal but it is to him, and I completely understand. It's hard going to work each day when your job carries with it no deeper meaning, no clear goal to advance the Kingdom of God. For someone who has spent their whole life working in a Churchesque setting, it is truly like being a fish out of water.

People use their faith as an excuse to avoid doing all sorts of things, such as swearing, drinking, working on weekends, going certain places or even being in relationships. To be quite honest, I don't think our faith is as restrictive as we've made it out to be (Note: when I reference "faith" I'm focusing on American, evangelical Christianity). Mark Driscoll uses the analogy of God giving us a spacious yard to play in and simply telling us to "Have fun, but be careful going into the street", but then we came along and built fence upon fence with our rules and restrictions until our religion turned God's yard into something more like a prison. We were scared of what it meant to be so close to the street and so far from the safety of the house. As a result, hardly anyone nowadays wants to come play in the restrictive yard of the Christians, and the Christians are too afraid to go play in anybody else's yard due to their exposure to the street.

I think Satan likes to twist our faith into fear as much as possible. He wants to make us so unsure of ourselves and the ways in which we are serving God that we become paralyzed by indecision. "I don't know what I want to do for a career, I just want to serve God." "It's a great opportunity, but I just don't know if it's God's will for my life." "I'm just living here until I figure out what God's calling for me is." As a recent college graduate, I hear stuff like this from my friends constantly. To be honest, I've said things just like this in the past as well. What I've learned the hard way is that there is no temporary aspect of God's will. He doesn't work in the short term. His plan transcends time, there is no beginning nor end, it is only now. We, however, do not have the luxury of His foresight. We are bound by time and all too often we obsess over it.

Okay, right now you may be thinking those are three completely unrelated paragraphs. Trust me, they have everything to do with each other. My friend is unsure of his place in life because he can't point to a mission statement in his company's profile that clearly defines their goal to advance the Kingdom of God. Due to his company's lack of religious ties, he feels as though he is outsides of God's grand mission in the World. He is used to playing in the yard clearly devoted to staying within God's will and now that he is in the much bigger, more diverse yard of the secular community he feels unsure of himself. There are so many people around him who run carelessly into the street. For the first time, he is witnessing people freely wreck their lives by choosing to run from the Lord. Like a man who is used to being in prison all his life, he doesn't know what to do on the outside. He is Brooks Hatlen...

My friend's faith is obvious. He wouldn't hesitate to tell you he's a believer. That's what makes it hard when he tells people what he does for a living. His basic job description has no reference to the Great Commission, so he has to write it in there himself. That's hard to do sometimes because we don't usually enjoy being liberal with our faith because liberal faith is often the most heavily scrutinized by other believers. 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 says,

^"Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God's commands is what counts. Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them. Were you a slave when you were called? Don't let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord's freed person; similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ's slave. You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings. Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them." 

God calls people to live and work in almost every imaginable occupation. The book of Esther is all about a woman of God who is randomly selected to be part of King Xerxes harem and eventually becomes the Queen of Persia and saves the entire Jewish race. Can you think of anyplace a young Jewish girl would feel more out of place and far from God than in King Xerxes bedroom? Somehow we've gotten so caught up in the false clarity we get from the black and white, religious rules and restrictions that we become scared of what life looks like in color. What if we sought to be Christians such as Esther, Christians who live and work in places that seem so contrary to our nature? What if we were Christians who stayed put, who stood firm right where God took such great care to place us? Paul wrote that he "became all things to all men" so that he may save as many people as possible (1Cor9:22). He also urged us to imitate him (1Cor4:16), making it clear that it is our duty to be in as many diverse places ministering to as many diverse people as possible. We may have to fortify our conscience to do so, but it's a necessary step towards being the most effective modern day disciples we can be. 

I watched a documentary the other day called Holly Rollers, which is about a group of card-counting, Christian Blackjack players who profit from gambling in order to support their ministries (they don't believe it's gambling but rather a science). They would take weekend trips to Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe, etc. and make hundreds of thousands of dollars in a team composed of investors, managers, and players. It was fascinating, to say the least. What intrigued me the most was that one of the men became so disgusted by all that the Casino lifestyle represented that he eventually had to quit the team and return to full time ministry in the Church. While I empathize with his decision, part of me felt like Christians do this way too often. We get overwhelmed by watching the secular community live such meaningless lives that we revert back to the familiar ways of our Christian bubbles. I think we should instead be trying to overwhelm the meaningless lives of the secular community with beauty and the purpose with which we live our lives. There's something special about being in the minority. There's something wonderful about sneaking the mission of God into a place that has nothing to do with the mission of God. We are frequently driven out of those places not because of unbelievers, but because of our own fear, doubt, and insecurity. 

We are where we are for a very specific reason. God never brings us anywhere without a divine purpose. Just like comedy, with God's will timing is everything. While this life may seem like a cruel joke sometimes or that there is no possible way God could intended for us to be where we are, it's probably only because we aren't paying attention. Let's stay put for a second. God changed us and is continually changing us so that we can be a catalyst right where we are and everywhere we go.

Taketh Away

"Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for all that you have laid before me over the years. For the trials, the pain, the failure, the success, the friends, the family, and the love that has surrounded me. You are good, and I ask that you forgive me for the many times that I have forgotten this simple fact. For as good as you are, I am equally scared, weak, and prone to wander from the assured safety that is your warm and loving embrace. Thank you for being all that I am not and for placing the potential in me to be all that you are. May you bless me with a perspective confined by the hours of this present day and consumed with these current moments filled with limitless opportunities to be a vessel of your love and grace for those who need it most. You are good, all the time, forever and ever, no matter what, Amen."

I took walk down to the Americana tonight. It's a walk I often take at night because I love the glow of the city lights that line the entire path towards the retail mecca of Glendale. I also enjoy the collection of Sinatra and other 50's jazz artists that play along with a synchronized dancing water fountain and light show, much like you'd find at the Bellagio. Most people go to the Americana to dine at one of the swanky, overpriced restaurants or wander through the aisles of trendy boutiques offering the latest and greatest styles of this season. I never go for any of those things. While I enjoy the music, the fountain, and even the aroma of the fancy foods I'll probably never eat, what actually keeps me coming back night after night is the view. Not of the frills, but of the people. I appreciate what the fountain, the music and all the pretty lights do, for they keep everyone focused on external stimuli. They get out of their own heads, lower their guard if only for a moment, and become...beautiful. They become who they were meant to be, and it is in this form that I realize how much I value people. I love this creation that God has made in His own image. They are so very lovely when they aren't fighting over health care reforms, calling it quits on their marriages, stressing over the stack of bills in the mail, or crashing into each other on overcrowded streets.

I think most people miss out on the view that I cherish so much. The view of friends having a laugh over a meal, families playing on the grass, an elderly couple holding hands or a brave young soul stealing his first kiss by a fountain so cliché in its romantic appeal that it can't help but be endearing. I'm going to sound very pitiful by saying this, but I honestly find myself getting a little misty-eyed by all that goes on in this wonderfully enigmatic place. Maybe it's because I'm alone most of the time that I'm there. Who knows. I do envy what so many of the people attending the Americana have, and that's not money, nice clothing, or good food. It's other people. They have other people to do life with. I want that. I'll never have enough people in my life. I want closer and closer friendships, a larger family, and an intimate romance with someone who can walk with me every step of the way in this journey of faith that is my life.

I started this post with a prayer because I feel as though genuine prayer gets our heads back on straight and focused up, right where they belong. Often times we get so caught up in thinking about what we want that we forget all that we've been given. The last year has been...well, it's been the last year and there's no appropriate way of describing it. I guess the best way I could describe it is with a sigh, a shrug, and a very coy smile. God is good. Even when the car that I love, my most valuable possession since I was 16, the means by which I earn a living, is taken away in such an unjust manner that most would feel justified to look up and curse the heavens for dealing out such rotten luck, God is still good. Even when living circumstances and job security fluctuate daily, God is still good. Even when the lonliness creeps in from every angle, God is still good. Speaking of being good, I'm pretty good at acknowledging how good God is when it's obvious that God is being good to me, like if I get a great job, or am given a new car, or a friend lets me live with them for free. I'm still learning to remember how good God is when all that stuff gets taken away. I'm a veteran believer when it's 75 degrees out and sunny, but when the storm hits I can't help but think I'm still a rookie when it comes to this Christianity thing.

God can take a lot of things away from us. In this life, it's pretty much a guarantee that He will take a lot from us, but that means much will be given as well. However, what He will never take away from us, because it's His essence, is our love for one another. That's why I believe it's the only thing truly valuable in this life. Everything else is just stuff. There's a line in a Mumford & Sons song that goes "Where you invest your love, you invest your life." It's not a new idea and it's certainly biblical, but there's something about singing it in that intense, folky manner that they do so well that makes it stick in my mind. I want to invest in Christ, that's obvious. But I also want to throw my life savings into people. Yes, God can take people away through death and other various accidents, but He doesn't take away their love. The love of another human being stays with you forever. We take turns tattooing our names on each other's hearts, and while some do it more aggressively than others, true love always leaves its mark.

So all that to say, I'm learning to accept that God will continue to take away my stuff only to remind me again and again of that which is of true value in this life: To leave a mark of love on someone's heart. That, I believe, can never be taken away.

Who said you were naked?

Shame is a profoundly dominant force in this world. Think how many times you compromised your character because you were ashamed of what you actually felt or wanted to do or say. Shame drives us to cover up who we really are for fear that if our true self was discovered we would be deemed inadequate. Shame, in it's essence, is the very passageway through which this fear enters our lives. 

Some guys just love being naked. They find it freeing, comical, or just an excuse to exercise their masculinity. I'm not sure if women truly revel in these moments of nudity as men do, but I can only hope (kidding). I've found that these recreational nudists are the minority of men, or at least American men. Being naked is a necessary requirement for only certain activities in life and it is never sought after otherwise. However, it seems like there was the intention at the origin of our creation to truly enjoy our nakedness, rather we weren't even supposed to know we were naked. In Genesis we find that man created the first article of clothing, not God. It was out of shame (Gen 3:7) that we hid our bodies from one another.

I see a lot of people get teased or constantly made fun of for being "sheltered". Like I've said many times before in previous blogs, I'm no advocate for ignorance. However, I just can't help but think sometimes that knowledge is not always power. In Genesis we read that Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The phrase that scripture uses to describe what happens after they eat of the tree's fruit is "their eyes were opened" (Gen 3:5, 7). It would seem as though God, in a manner of speaking, purposefully hid things from their sight knowing full well that, due to our human nature, our psyche would be crushed by certain knowledge about ourselves and this world. You could say that God purposefully sheltered us.

We live in a society that offers unlimited knowledge. You can google information to your heart's content on any subject and become an expert on a limitless amount of topics from human sexuality to rocket science. We've downloaded so much information that we've started to ignore God because our answers sound so much better than His answers. We've started to promote lifestyles and values that completely contradict what God intended for us. In doing so, it seems as though we've found a way to surpass shame. This is a paradox which I hope I can aptly explain.

Think of an abusive father who dominates a child's life with cruel words, harsh restrictions, and possibly even physical violence. When that child grows up and finally escapes that abuse, he (pardon my gender specific use of "he", know that I imply he/she) will most certainly seek to live a life contrary to that of his abusive father. He will treasure his freedom and unlimited potential to be something different than his father. However, he will undoubtedly be filled with anger and bitterness towards his father for the rest of his life (should he not seek forgiveness). While it may feel as though he is free from the abusive parental control he experienced throughout his childhood, he will indeed still be under the control of his father as long as anger and bitterness towards him are alive in his soul. The very deep seeded anguish which motivates him to move further and further away from his father is, in reality, a continual force dragging him back into that home of iniquity. Although his father is not physically present he is indeed spiritually present, and thus his father still dictates his every action. Now, imagine this scenario projected onto shame in our society.

Shame is present because we sinned, and we've been trying to escape it ever since. At first we just created clothes out of fig leaves. Now we have parades and political organizations. We became so dominated by our inability to escape the soul-shredding guilt caused by our shame that we in turn started to use reverse psychology on ourselves by celebrating the actions that once caused us to feel ashamed. I have no doubt that deep down these actions still cause us to feel ashamed, now it's just there's no shortage of people to rally around us and support us in our shameful ways. Shame is the abusive father we grew up with and now hopelessly pretend to be free from.

I know this all may seem somewhat contradictory as shame initially made us insecure about something we should have never been insecure about, i.e. being naked. A Christ follower understands that shame can be both a tool for correction when it comes from God and a tool for destruction when it comes from Satan. God wants us to feel ashamed when we are not who He has made us to be, while Satan wants us to be ashamed when we are who God has made us to be. What makes Christians different is that we've chosen not to let that shame control our lives and instead let the abounding love and grace of God wash it away. Everyone else is just fighting to repress their shame not knowing that it's like quicksand; they can keep struggling to escape, but without accepting the helping hand of Christ to pull them out, there is no hope.

Job Description

Conflict brings out how we really feel about ourselves, how we feel about others, and what we feel is our role in this world. Do we seek justice? Do we crave revenge? Do we offer grace? What do we do in those moments where something clearly must be done in regards to a conflict or dispute with a friend, coworker, family member or peer?

I have a problem. I'm fairly good at arguing and I have an inherited knack for noticing faults, flaws, and shortcomings in most people within a reasonably short period of time. Those observations make it incredibly difficult for me to be patient with certain people. The larger problem they create is that they can stir within me a deep feeling of superiority over other people whom I deem immoral, hypocritical, shallow, disrespectful, insecure, or just lacking in authenticity. That feeling of superiority is hands-down the greatest barrier in dispensing love to people who need it the most. Deep down I do want to love them but only after they change this, stop doing that, and ask for forgiveness for all the ways they've wronged me or others around them. In reality and much to the contrast of my human nature, the love which Christ calls us to has no prerequisites.

I think we can all agree that Billy Graham has lived pretty close to the standards God calls us to, or at least as close as we can hope to live up to them. Surprisingly, I found that he has encountered quite a great deal of criticism by fellow evangelical Christians over the years. I guess, in retrospect, that isn't surprising based on the common tendency of religious, moralistic beliefs to create the sense of superiority I described in myself. We have a profound ability to ignore that log in our own eye yet spot that speck in our brother or sister's eye from a mile away. I digress. Apparently in 1998 after the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal broke, Billy Graham attended a fundraiser for President Clinton and caught a ton of crap for it. In the end, all Graham said about it was "It's the Holy Spirit's job to convict, God's job to judge, and my job to love." Well put.

What's the most important commandment? It's pretty clear in Matthew 22 and Mark 12 to name a few places where we can find the obvious answer. How come we still can't grasp what this looks like fulfilled in our own lives? Generation after generation has failed at this. I think it may be because we get confused by all that the Bible tells us to do and we forget how simple our job description really is as disciples. Love God, love one another, the end.


P.S. Andy Stanley has a great 8 week sermon series on the difference between a Christian and a Disciple based on this principle. Check it out!  http://northpoint.tv/messages/christian7

Our Own Good

I'm starting to see the true value of intellect these days. That may sound like I've realized it's worth more than I'd thought but it's actually quite the opposite. Intellect is a good thing, but it should never be viewed as the greatest thing. I see now that intellect is quite dangerous when it's coveted above all else, especially humility. Before I get into this, I have to admit that I'll be discussing these two characteristics in extremes in order to distinguish their unique potential in our lives.

To say that intellect and humility are completely at odds with one another would be unfair. However, they do not naturally play well together. Intellect brings with it a sense of self-reliance while humility brings utter selflessness. Through our intellect we can begin to understand our universe, our surroundings, and ourselves. On the other hand, humility tells us that there is so much we will never know about the mysteries of this life and that it's OK to not know. The not knowing gnaws at our intellect day and night until we break or give into humility. Humility breeds joyful curiosity about our world while intellect develops prideful mistrust of the unknown.

Recently, I've seen intellect crush the spiritual life of a brother of mine. He studied psychology, philosophy, theology, and every other -ology you could possibly study. Over the past 4 years I watched him shape the spiritual life of many an up-and-coming christian youth. He drastically helped shape my faith as well. He knows his Bible inside and out, studied the life and teachings of Jesus thoroughly as well as the history and doctrine of the Christian, Jewish and Muslim religions. I thought if anyone's faith was rock solid it would be his, but I was wrong. I thought all his knowledge created an impenetrable wall around his spirit that Satan could never crack. All his knowledge may have fortified the mental side of his faith but it left his heart and soul wide open for attacks that crippled him over decades of spiritual warfare and neglect. I see now that knowledge only goes so far in our spiritual lives and once it goes too far it becomes even more difficult to adjust to the life Christ calls us to, a life saturated in humility.

In an age of information and tech-savvy youth, we learn at a very young age that we can learn to do just about anything by googling it on any electronic device attached to the internet. The problem is that we bring that mentality into our relationship with God and we begin to try and figure Him out instead of allowing God to reveal Himself to us. Having gone to a Christian University I've seen first hand kids who go from christian high schools, to christian colleges, to seminary, to working at a Church and all they know is how to prove the beliefs they learned in school. Oswald Chambers said it best, "When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God—it is only believing our belief about Him. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy."

I've been in some low places before where I demanded that God show up--either audibly, visually, or physically. I wanted Him there because I believed He should be there because that was the best way to handle my situation. I was sad, depressed, lonely and I believed I knew what God's correct response should be. I presumed to know better than the deity who created me because I had grown up reasoning my way through every spiritual dilemma, religious debate, and complex decision I'd ever encountered. Through these lows I learned that you can know everything about God and still not know God. I heard a pastor say once that if you just know everything about a person without knowing them, you're just a stalker. I'm sad to say that I've talked to far too many people who feel God is absent from their life when God is probably looking down at them saying "You're the one who is absent in mine!"

God is constantly seeking us out and we get fooled into thinking we are seeking Him merely because we constantly look to find out information about Him. I believe He's speaking to us constantly but we find it so difficult, so very unnatural to our character to put everything on hold and throw our lives up to God and say "Do with me what you will." We want to know God but we don't want to let Him dictate our lives so it feels like He's not interacting with us, or He's not there at all. Well He's there alright, we're just tuning Him out with the sound of our own prideful intellect telling us how to make every decision in our lives. I think it's far more beneficial for our personal lives, and our ministries as well, to actually know God than to know a ton about Him. I believe that happens through humility. A humility that genuinely desires to allow Christ to live through us and not vice-verse. In the Bible, the people God spoke to and interacted with the most were those who were truly humble. Just look at David for instance.

2 Samuel 6:16-22 depicts a scene where David is so giddy to have the Ark back in Jerusalem that he starts getting all footloose in the streets, so much so that he embarrasses his wife who scorns him for doing so. David's response is "Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this, even to be humiliated in my own eyes!." That's a statement that intellect would never comprehend. Are we willing to be humiliated in order to honor God? Are we so humble before God that we don't even care for social status and personal image? Maybe those are the things God is calling us to sacrifice in order to be with Him, but we're so entangled by intellectual pride that we can't accept a voice that tells us to do anything like that. All I know is that the more we lean on our own understanding, the more likely we are to miss out on the wonderfully divine plan God has for us.

Lastly, let me just say that I'm not advocating ignorance or that it's beneficial to be unintelligent. We should all study our faith like crazy so we know what we believe, but at the end of the day we can't hope to rely on our intellect to get us through the trails of this life. Somehow we have to merge all of the confidence we have in our mental capacities with a completely humble spirit before the Lord. Humility must be the essence of our lives, for how else will we ever attain the standard of love that God calls us to? The foundation of what Christ did for us was lowering Himself from a Godly form to a humanly form and then serving us in the most profound example of humility ever witnessed. It's crucial to remember that people don't worship Jesus for his intelligence, so they wont worship Him because of our intelligence either. They worship Him for His love--a love which is bound by humble service to mankind. So let's do the same.

Listen Up

I have a lot of topics I've been meaning to write about for weeks now. The ideas circulate in my brain for a while but when I sit down at the computer to exhale my thoughts, there is no interest left to project them out down from my head to my finger tips to the keyboard. Sometimes I feel a strange pressure rising up in my chest. I wonder what it is that I've forgotten to do but the source of the pressure is not from what needs to be done but what I think I've got to do in order to maintain this fictional notion of productivity. It bugs me that it's hard to just sit in His presence sometimes. To just be present. To listen...

We spend a lot of time asking God to help us get to where we want to go, to feel what we want to feel, or to become what we think we should be. We say "I'm ready God! Anytime you want to do my will, I'm ready!" Then we wonder why it seems like God isn't doing anything. He's just not doing what we want. Maybe if we took the time to truly align our hearts with God's direction for our life, we would ask Him for things that He would grant. I know I often feel like I have to be doing, doing, doing to be aligned with God's purpose for my life. It's as if we have to hustle Jesus for progress in this world. "See God? See how much I did? Wanna hook me up with some money, a husband/wife, a new place, or a better job?" Oswald Chambers wrote "Sometimes there is nothing to obey and our only task is to maintain a vital connection with Jesus Christ, seeing that nothing interferes with it."

Technology makes it so easy to constantly be reminded of the work yet to be done, the people we still need to call, the things we need to fix. Paul said that as Christians "We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort..." I think it's a good reminder to know that God's not looking down at anyone thinking "No, no, no! If only he had chosen to work another hour more he would have been noticed by his boss, gotten the promotion, earned enough money to start that non-profit he always dreamed of, met his wife, started a family and lived happily ever after. Well, now he's just going to die alone, stuck in the quicksand of middle-management for the rest of his life." 

We should try our hardest to do great things for the Kingdom, but we should also try to not try too hard. We have to understand that our efforts are futile to a certain extent when they overtake what it is God actually has planned for us. We complicate everything about God's plan when it's really more simple than we think. All it takes is for us to slow down every now and again. Turn off anything electronic and just be still. Listen. Don't put a time limit on it. Seek His voice in every and all situations and you'll be surprised how He sounds.

Coming Out of The Cloth

I have this reoccurring conversation on set and around town here in LA quite often. It goes like this;

"So are you out here to act, write or direct?"
-"I'm not sure yet. I just graduated last May and I'm still figuring things out."
"Oh really? Where'd you go to school?
-"Azusa Pacific University. You ever heard of it?"
(Unconvincing nod of assurance) "Yea, yea sure...What'd you get your degree in?"
-"Theology"
(Awkward silence) "Really? Huh...Neat.

One of two questions may follow from this point and they are "So are you religious/Christian?", or "Do you want to be a pastor then?". The progress from there is left up to God but that is not my point. My focus is on the awkwardness, the palpable tension that arises each time I come out of my theological closet to reveal a part of me that no one, from just looking at me and my occupation, would ever have guessed would be such a significant part of me. Sure I'm a clean-cut, white boy who looks like he probably grew up in the burbs under a "christian household", but almost everyone had to go to Church at some point in their childhood and that doesn't mean they take it with them into the real world as an adult, especially in Hollywood. Some may even say they believe in God, or that they pray, or that they are really spiritual and open to many paths to "god", but you don't see them choose to study about God or dare to let it impact their social life, hopes, dreams, or aspirations. As soon as I utter the words "I believe" I am a leper.

I could openly say that last weekend I did some ecstasy, purchased sex with a prostitute (male or female), and paid for an ex-girlfriend's abortion, and in most social circles that I'm surrounded by, those things would be completely acceptable to talk about in polite conversation. I might even get a few laughs about it. How do I know this? I've heard each of those examples discussed among groups of people I've sat with and heard no one even come close to expressing an attitude of disdain, reprehension or condemnation. However, I constantly get people looking at me wide-eyed and confused, sometimes even with a hint of disgust, as I express that I chose to study about God in college instead of hooking up with semi-conscious coeds while smoking weed and taking shots of cheap liquor.

Back when I was at APU, I heard a lot of boisterous talk about "Being in this world, but not of it". There is a popular Christian clothing brand called Not of this World and they make stickers, clothes and other various items that profess this ideal with the letters NOTW. If you were to peruse the parking lot at APU at any given time when classes are in session you would see cars by the dozens covered with these tacky NOTW stickers. They make me laugh when I see them now because I've realized that this statement really sets up casual christians for a catch-22. Most people I see with these stickers or other items proclaiming to be NOTW are either so enveloped by Christian culture and community that they never go into "the world", or they are so "of the world" that this superficial statement plastered on their clothing and cars leaves them with enough of a sense of fulfillment in their spiritual life to allow themselves to avoid actually changing their words, beliefs, and actions to fit a lifestyle that is consistent with the Gospel.

I live in the world. It is not a pretty place to be most of the time. Sometimes I am definitely of this world when I shouldn't be. It is an extremely difficult task to constantly be surrounded by your greatest temptations, have your deepest insecurities exposed, and be ridiculed and made an outcast for what you hold most dear to you in this life. There is nothing cool about being not of this world. It's a battle everyday and I'm not so sure my civic is ready for that kind of hip declaration, at least not the way I drive in LA traffic (which is the way most people drive). But I try. I honestly try so damn hard...

Something I'll never forget from Scripture is that when the Church was first starting up after Jesus' death and resurrection is that the initial believers did not call themselves "Christians", but rather they were labeled as Christians by the gentiles who heard them preach in Antioch. Acts 11 tells us that most of the believers were preaching only to the Jews but a smaller group decided to go out and talk to the gentiles, those who were considered of the world. Verse 26 says that Saul and Barnabas stayed in Antioch to preach and live among the gentiles for a year and it was then that they earned the title of Christian. It wasn't a title with which they just flippantly described themselves after they attended a few Church services, taken a few bible classes, went on a mission trip, or sang in the church choir. They ate, slept, lived, and breathed Christ's life and teachings, shaping themselves into little replicas of Christ, aka Christians.

It will never be easy to openly express my beliefs in this society. It's never easy to make your environment a product of you rather than the other way around. But I know with Jesus anything is possible. I know with Christ I can avoid the one night stands, casual alcohol and drug abuse, addiction to fame and fortune, and other various socially but not spiritually acceptable behaviors. I don't want to leave this world with just stickers and trendy clothing to explain who I was and what I lived for. I want to live with such genuinely Christlike love for all people that my beliefs can't be ignored. I want to live as close to a pure and blameless life as I can with morals not shaped by society but by something greater and more profound. I want the non-believers, all the modern day gentiles I've spent my life with to stand around at my funeral and say "He really was a Christian."

Easter Eve Reflection

Jesus will be getting up soon. What did He do for those two nights His body lay in the tomb?

Today is Easter and millions of people will go to Church today, many who never go except for twice a year. I don't want to critique them, condemn them, or pity them anymore. I'm tired of having to explain this stuff or rationalize my beliefs. I don't know how any rational human being can know the story of Christ and ignore its implications. On a basic level, how can you watch The Passion and not be moved enough to seriously question the life of Jesus Christ from Nazareth?

People baffle me. We will focus so much of our attention on the most meaningless things in life and then be bold enough to question the meaning of life. I'm pretty sure we will never find true meaning in our life through spending hours researching who Kim Kardashian is dating.

Jesus sure went out with a bang but He spent the majority of His life as a carpenter. I feel like I'm building a lot of tables these days. I wonder what His life was like then...I would have loved to spent a workday with Jesus and then went out for beers afterward. I know we're supposed to have "relationship" with Christ who lives within us, but there is no replacement for having a physical human body to look at, listen to and touch. I want that. I wish He was here now. I want to say I'm jealous of what the disciples had but their lives almost all ended in martyrdom via brutal executions.

Still, we focus on very few days of Jesus' life in the Christian Church. What about all those years in the workshop? Don't most of us spend the majority of our lives in the workshop being groomed by God for that one specific ministry we are called to?

What was Jesus' daily life like before He went on that 3 year mission trip with His 12 buddies? What was the breakdown of how He spent His days hour by hour? Did He catch up on all the latest gossip? Did He tell jokes or listen to old men tell stories of past victories? Did He practice sports or music? We are called to daily live our lives for Christ but we never think about how Christ lived His daily life before His journey began in His thirties. I love Easter. I love Christmas. But everyday is not Easter or Christmas. Most days are just "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday" etc.

Jesus walked out of a tomb roughly 2012 years ago today and left a mystery the world has never fully understood nor believed. I'll never know what He did those thirty years before His ministry began. I'll never know what He did those two nights His body lay in the tomb. I hope one day, in the next life, that I get to ask Him. All I know for now is that there is nothing else worth believing in this entire world, nothing more worthy of my time, nothing that merits the dedication of my life more than that Man who lived a better life than anyone else who has ever walked this earth before.

"Suck Brick Kid!"

God has a wonderfully effective way of smacking me right upside the head when my mind starts wandering off to dark places. When I begin to feel anxious, restless, or uncertain about the future the last thing I usually want to do is read Scripture, but it always seems to be God's weapon of choice when it comes to making spiritual adjustments. Initially, His unfailing truth hits me like a brick I should have seen coming from a mile away (I imagine He has a lot of bricks prepared for me in my journey, much like Macaulay Culkin on the roof in Home Alone 2). However, the impact is never painful, just strong enough to knock me back on track.

This evening as I was feeling extremely unsettled with work, finances, and the future so I just sat in the most uncomfortable chair in my apartment and wondered what could possibly be the next step. Luckily, I had my iphone in my hand and something compelled me, possibly the power of Christ, to open up my handy dandy Bible app. The last thing I had been reading was Philippians 2 because I was looking for a verse about complaining, something I'm sure I'll blog about in the near future. What caught my eye in that moment was the verse just before the one I had researched days earlier, and that is Philippians 2:13 which says "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him."

The second half of that verse is what really carried the weight of the realization God placed in my heart. God is giving you the POWER to do what pleases Him. I already feel like I have the desire to do what pleases God. That desire has shaped my whole life. However, I have never been secure in my belief that I have the power to do what it is will please God. I have such grand dreams of accomplishing miraculous things for the Kingdom in my lifetime, but I am often plagued with the fear that I will get in the way of myself, that I will somehow obstruct my own path and hinder my potential to serve Christ to the fullest. Tonight I was reminded just how foolish it is to worry about what I can do, for it is not my power that gets anything truly good done in this world.

I love the book of Philippians because it focuses on humility. Humility is so counter cultural, so offensive to our human nature (especially mine), that the thought of accomplishing true humility is overwhelming. It's like trying to capture a unicorn. Although, I do believe nothing worth achieving is ever easy and maybe the best goals are the ones which do indeed appear to be unattainable for they leave room for God to act miraculously. I want to be truly humble someday so that my pride will cease to lead me to believe that I know what is best for my life and thus lead me into the snares of worry as my expectations never fit the schemes of this world. The reality is that I will most likely never reach this profound level of humility, but it's worth a shot. In the meantime, I'm sure God has plenty of bricks for a lifetime of loving guidance and correction.

"Every passing minute..."

is another chance to turn it all around." That line was floating through my mind today for some reason. It caught so much of my attention that eventually I had to do some research to find out where it came from. It turns out it's from a movie called Vanilla Sky. I remember watching the movie and being so engrossed by the story that it left me feeling almost violated by how deep it took me into the life of the main character, played by Tom Cruise, and how much I could relate to him. I remember telling my roommate at the time that I hated it because it was so weird and too artsy for my taste. But I realized today, all these years later, while I may not like the movie, it is still a great story. It sucked me in, made my feel something, and more than anything it made me reflect on what my own life has been and how I choose to live it. It resonated with me so deeply that as I sat in church and thought about what the past year has been like for me, a quote from that movie is what my brain conjured up.

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." I know sometimes I go into a tail spin once things start going wrong, and I know that things start going wrong right when I'm aligned most with God's will for my life. C.S Lewis once wrote that Satan is all about the least amount of effort for the greatest impact. That's why we often see our Christian leaders fall so hard. Pastors, Priests, Elders, etc. get caught up in sex scandals, embezzlement, and other various departures from acceptable behavior. The devil is a crafty SOB and he works on those who are the most noticeable, for their fall will create the greatest amount of collateral damage.

No one ministers to the ministers and the spotlight hides nothing. This past week, Jason Russell, one of the founders of Invisible Children and the creator of the KONY2012 campaign got drunk, exposed himself in the streets of San Diego, started vandalizing cars, and was eventually arrested by SDPD. I am in no way trying to express any feelings of superiority or judgement by sharing this story, for I have done some truly idiotic things while under the influence. Luckily, there was no spotlight on my life at the time. I completely empathize with Jason's situation. He is a devout Christian, but his documentary brought on the attention and scrutiny of the whole world which Satan used to break him. The KONY documentary attained over 100 million views over a few short weeks and positive change was sweeping over a situation that Satan had kept secret for decades. That, my friends, warrants a large bounty from the Devil himself. I don't care how devout a Christian you are, when Satan puts that kind of pressure on you, compounded by that much stress and attention, it takes a miracle not to crack. (not to say that Satan can't be resisted though)

I mention that story for the sole purpose of saying that we are all going to fall pretty hard someday. Those who never fall, never take a serious leap of faith towards God's call in their life. The important thing is to remember that His love and mercies are new every single minute of every day. The night may bring the storm, but the day will always give us the opportunity to turn it all around. We can sulk in despair as we dwell on how we will always fail and are never good enough, or we can choose to stop that toxic mindset this very instant. Every passing minute God gives us the chance to view ourselves as He does. This life is fleeting and to waste another minute with our hearts heavy laden with guilt because we can't live up to some divine standard that doesn't even exist would be a slight against God's overwhelming forgiveness for our sins. It's easy for God to forgive us, what's often harder is for us to forgive ourselves. I know Jason Russell probably feels that way today. I know I feel that way far too often. But, so help me God, I'm determined not to let it stay that way.

Out of Season

I think I enjoy Christmas music more in Spring than I do in Winter. That may seem odd but I think it's entirely appropriate. Jesus wasn't born in December anyway so why should His birthday music be confined to the winter months?

There is so much hope in true Christ centered Christmas music. Oh Holy Night, in particular, is one of my absolute favorites. "Long lay the World in sin and error pining, til He appeared and the soul felt its worth." The soul felt its worth...Think about that statement. A feeling of 'worth' makes all the difference in this life. I've struggled to make it through some heavy conversations recently with people who I know feel completely worthless because they don't know God. To take it a step further, they feel as if God doesn't care to know them. I see people walk through the minefields of this life, being torn to shreds, all the while looking up to the Heavens and crying out for God to just show up. And He doesn't...

How can I blame them for their unbelief? How can I convince them that eventually God does show up? How do I prove to them that they are worth a damn, not only that but that they are worth more to God than anyone else? I've given up on words at this point. I'm not eloquent enough nor are words divine enough to heal the wounds inflicted on the soul. I'm trying to be a little, flickering light in the darkness illuminating the truth that is the love of Jesus Christ, but I don't know if people have a high enough pain tolerance to make the journey back to Him. Especially if it means giving up the only piece of comfort they've found in this world; in sex, drugs, alcohol or even anger, pride, and selfishness. I know people who have been surrounded by "christian influence" their whole lives and God has still not entered their hearts. I sit down to coffee with these people and listen to stories about wanting God so badly but never being convinced of His willingness to be in a relationship with them. They feel as if they don't merit God's attention, they're not worth His time. Part of me just wishes I could be like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile and just lay hands on these people and suck all the darkness and pain out of their lives so they could see the beauty of God's grace in their lives. I want to prove God to people before it's too late. I'm slowly finding out that that will never be my job.

I'm tired. It's been a long day and an even longer week. I'm feeling...spiritually exhausted, if there is such a thing as spiritual exhaustion. I went to a memorial service today for a girl I met in February of 2010 while I was working at a United Methodist Conference for teenagers called Youth Alive. Her name was Reggie Nicholson and she was one of the key speakers at the conference that year. She shared her testimony of finding God amidst all the pain and suffering she experienced during the treatment of her cancer. Reggie was strong, charismatic, pure and beautiful. Not long ago her cancer came back and her story took an unexpected twist. That confident testimony of healing and restoration was tainted by further suffering, a myriad of medical treatments, and ultimately her passing just a week after her 19th birthday. I watched her closest friends and family mourn her passing today and I felt ever so thankful to have known her as briefly as I did. That's all it took for her to make a profound impact on me.

I know it pains God a thousand times more than it hurts me to see people suffer. I just never understand His timing or His methods and I really want to so I can at least explain it to all the really pissed off, hurting people of this world. I feel like Christmas time is the only time we all come together and really admit to ourselves that great things will come with great patience, and that there is hope for the hurting. The Holiday Season makes us optimistic for the future and all the possibilities it holds. We believe we have the power to change, to heal, to grow into the people we want to me. It seems as if that feeling hardly makes it through January.

I tried reading through Job the other day in order to better my understand suffering. I hardly made it half way through the book before I was completely discouraged and put it down (I'll come back to it). The hopeless optimist in me is fading as I look out at the city of Los Angeles and see only darkness. People have lost their sense of worth because of death, suffering and injustice and I doubt the power of my light to convince them otherwise.

I want to end this post with an uplifting message of inspiration and encouragement but I just don't have it in me. This blog has always been about being authentic and I don't want to compromise that now just because I'm going out on a low note. I feel that if you don't admit the lows then you can never truly appreciate the highs.

Get Dirty

In my last post I talked about the parable of the farmer scattering seed amongst the 4 different types of soil. I ended with a comment about assuming we know what lies beneath the surface of the soil in which we try to plant the seed of Christ. This created a segue into one of the biggest problems I've witnessed amongst Christians in the field.

Far too many people who claim to be Christ-followers never pick up the plow and answer the call to be farmers of men. We are called to scatter the seed that was planted, and thankfully grew, within us. It's a simple calling, so why don't we? I believe there are several reasons (i.e. fear, laziness) but these days there's one that really tears me apart inside. It's the same reason the Pharisees had for never reaching out to the prostitutes, lepers, adulterers, and other various "sinners". They looked out over the land of God and saw that some soil was not fit to be plowed. They judged not only the quality of what God had created but also His ability to redeem it. If this doesn't sound eerily familiar than you haven't been observing Christian culture for very long.

Think of what the reaction would be if a woman walked into your church with pink hair, piercings all over her face, tattoos down both arms, leather boots, and a torn Rolling Stones t-shirt. Would you focus more on the exterior of her body than the interior of her heart which led her to walk cautiously through the doors of your church? Luke 11:39-41 "Then the Lord said to him, 'Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But now as for what is inside you—be generous to the poor, and everything will be clean for you.'" I'm not saying it's unnatural to be surprised by the look of someone who is completely different than you, but I am saying it is completely unnatural to God's heart to look at a person and base their soul worth on the exterior of their cup. 

Too often we dehumanize people by looking at them as 'completely hopeless' or as lost in a world of sin out of which no one could ever bring them. To use extreme examples, look at people like Paris Hilton or Hugh Hefner. I know the web of sex, power, and wealth creates a difficult road to salvation, but that's not for us to judge. I believe all too often we encounter people who disagree with our faith and lifestyles so we put them into categories of 'unreachable'. Once we've categorized these people in our minds as 'unreachable sinners' we put ourselves in the place of the Pharisee. The scary thing is that we can easily go from putting particular people in this category to putting whole nations, religions, or cultures in it. Someone who thinks or behaves in this way has no comprehension of the Gospel. 

I know it's easier to write someone off as unreachable because it puts us off the hook and we feel better about ourselves. But we are never off the hook. Our work is never finished and by no means is there ever a soul that is unreachable for God. The only thing that would ever make anyone remotely unreachable is our own personal doubt that prevents us from going after them, learning about their lives/struggles, showering them with love, and focusing our prayers on their salvation. Galatians 6:9-10 says "So let us never get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessings if we do not give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone..."

Trust me, I know how wearing it is to minister to people year after year with no results. I know the exhaustion that comes from sharing the most convincing, relevant, impacting story of Christ you possibly can and to receive nothing back but suspicious smiles or angry words ridden with animosity and doubt. I look out at American culture almost daily and am overwhelmed by the work that must be done. Oswald Chambers writes about this feeling, saying "Our fear is that the very things our Lord stood for— love, justice, forgiveness, and kindness among men— will not win out in the end and will represent an unattainable goal for us. Then there is the call to spiritual perseverance. A call not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately, knowing with certainty that God will never be defeated."

As I'm writing this, I'm reminded that I entitled the last post "The Peril of the Planter". I'm convicted by my own tendency to have a bleak outlook on the work that God has set before me. It's hard, as a farmer, to look out at the field and not think about all the rocks, thorns, birds, and every other possible source of harm that will prevent the seed I'm trying to plant from growing...The soil we are called to work with comes in every shape and size, and may seem to be of various qualities. However, God sees it all as equal. That's because only God can see to the depths of the land He has sent us into. We do not have the luxury of having God's vision, so it becomes our duty to roll up our sleeves, reach down in the dirt and get busy planting the seed of the Gospel in as much of the land as possible.

The Peril of the Planter

Mark 4:3-8 "“Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. ⁴ As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. ⁵ Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. ⁶ But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.” 

About 6 months ago when I first started out doing background work in Hollywood I used to liken what I was doing to the parable of farmer scattering seed that we read about in Matthew 13, Mark 4 and Luke 8. I thought "I'm just going to scatter my seed of faith in this dark place and see what happens." I went on spreading my seed for a couple of months (ok, that sounds like I was trying to impregnate people, but you know what I mean) until I started feeling rather discouraged. It seemed like the world was too much for me and that people are far more convinced by the trappings of this world than they are by the love of a Man they've never even met, yet may have heard about from their abusive parents and/or condemning peers. Than I realized something about the farmer planting seeds that was slightly encouraging to me, in a rather bleak way.

I realized that the farmer must have sucked at being a farmer! Think about it, the "farmer" tries to plant seeds across footpaths filled with hungry (not angry) birds, shallow/rocky soil, and thorny ground before he eventually finds fertile soil. What kind of professional farmer, who grows food for a living, would be so clueless as to waste his seed on such unproductive ground? Unless the reality is that he doesn't see what lies beneath the soil. He doesn't see rocks laying just beneath the surface of the shallow soil, he doesn't see the footpath where the birds pick over the land, he doesn't see the thorns growing up to choke out all other life, he sees only the potential for growth in all of his land and is filled with hope for what God might do with it. Some may argue that he sees only what he wants to see, therefore he is naive for having such blind faith. But I would argue that he doesn't concern himself with what will be, only with what could be.

We all have to accept the fact that as Christians sent to make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:19) we have become farmers of men. I know "fishers of men" sounds more catchy but that's only because Jesus said it. We also have to accept that only a small portion of our crop will ever grow. However, that quarter of a crop will grow "thirty, sixty, and even a hundred times as much as had been planted!" So although it may seem like a perilous journey into ministry, it may actually be the most miraculous adventure in which we could ever partake. The trick is not to assume that we know what God will do with any particular part of the field, nor should we ever pretend to know what lies beneath the surface of the soil in which we are trying to plant the seed of Christ.

And that leads me to my next topic...