Coming Out of The Cloth

I have this reoccurring conversation on set and around town here in LA quite often. It goes like this;

"So are you out here to act, write or direct?"
-"I'm not sure yet. I just graduated last May and I'm still figuring things out."
"Oh really? Where'd you go to school?
-"Azusa Pacific University. You ever heard of it?"
(Unconvincing nod of assurance) "Yea, yea sure...What'd you get your degree in?"
-"Theology"
(Awkward silence) "Really? Huh...Neat.

One of two questions may follow from this point and they are "So are you religious/Christian?", or "Do you want to be a pastor then?". The progress from there is left up to God but that is not my point. My focus is on the awkwardness, the palpable tension that arises each time I come out of my theological closet to reveal a part of me that no one, from just looking at me and my occupation, would ever have guessed would be such a significant part of me. Sure I'm a clean-cut, white boy who looks like he probably grew up in the burbs under a "christian household", but almost everyone had to go to Church at some point in their childhood and that doesn't mean they take it with them into the real world as an adult, especially in Hollywood. Some may even say they believe in God, or that they pray, or that they are really spiritual and open to many paths to "god", but you don't see them choose to study about God or dare to let it impact their social life, hopes, dreams, or aspirations. As soon as I utter the words "I believe" I am a leper.

I could openly say that last weekend I did some ecstasy, purchased sex with a prostitute (male or female), and paid for an ex-girlfriend's abortion, and in most social circles that I'm surrounded by, those things would be completely acceptable to talk about in polite conversation. I might even get a few laughs about it. How do I know this? I've heard each of those examples discussed among groups of people I've sat with and heard no one even come close to expressing an attitude of disdain, reprehension or condemnation. However, I constantly get people looking at me wide-eyed and confused, sometimes even with a hint of disgust, as I express that I chose to study about God in college instead of hooking up with semi-conscious coeds while smoking weed and taking shots of cheap liquor.

Back when I was at APU, I heard a lot of boisterous talk about "Being in this world, but not of it". There is a popular Christian clothing brand called Not of this World and they make stickers, clothes and other various items that profess this ideal with the letters NOTW. If you were to peruse the parking lot at APU at any given time when classes are in session you would see cars by the dozens covered with these tacky NOTW stickers. They make me laugh when I see them now because I've realized that this statement really sets up casual christians for a catch-22. Most people I see with these stickers or other items proclaiming to be NOTW are either so enveloped by Christian culture and community that they never go into "the world", or they are so "of the world" that this superficial statement plastered on their clothing and cars leaves them with enough of a sense of fulfillment in their spiritual life to allow themselves to avoid actually changing their words, beliefs, and actions to fit a lifestyle that is consistent with the Gospel.

I live in the world. It is not a pretty place to be most of the time. Sometimes I am definitely of this world when I shouldn't be. It is an extremely difficult task to constantly be surrounded by your greatest temptations, have your deepest insecurities exposed, and be ridiculed and made an outcast for what you hold most dear to you in this life. There is nothing cool about being not of this world. It's a battle everyday and I'm not so sure my civic is ready for that kind of hip declaration, at least not the way I drive in LA traffic (which is the way most people drive). But I try. I honestly try so damn hard...

Something I'll never forget from Scripture is that when the Church was first starting up after Jesus' death and resurrection is that the initial believers did not call themselves "Christians", but rather they were labeled as Christians by the gentiles who heard them preach in Antioch. Acts 11 tells us that most of the believers were preaching only to the Jews but a smaller group decided to go out and talk to the gentiles, those who were considered of the world. Verse 26 says that Saul and Barnabas stayed in Antioch to preach and live among the gentiles for a year and it was then that they earned the title of Christian. It wasn't a title with which they just flippantly described themselves after they attended a few Church services, taken a few bible classes, went on a mission trip, or sang in the church choir. They ate, slept, lived, and breathed Christ's life and teachings, shaping themselves into little replicas of Christ, aka Christians.

It will never be easy to openly express my beliefs in this society. It's never easy to make your environment a product of you rather than the other way around. But I know with Jesus anything is possible. I know with Christ I can avoid the one night stands, casual alcohol and drug abuse, addiction to fame and fortune, and other various socially but not spiritually acceptable behaviors. I don't want to leave this world with just stickers and trendy clothing to explain who I was and what I lived for. I want to live with such genuinely Christlike love for all people that my beliefs can't be ignored. I want to live as close to a pure and blameless life as I can with morals not shaped by society but by something greater and more profound. I want the non-believers, all the modern day gentiles I've spent my life with to stand around at my funeral and say "He really was a Christian."