Out of Season

I think I enjoy Christmas music more in Spring than I do in Winter. That may seem odd but I think it's entirely appropriate. Jesus wasn't born in December anyway so why should His birthday music be confined to the winter months?

There is so much hope in true Christ centered Christmas music. Oh Holy Night, in particular, is one of my absolute favorites. "Long lay the World in sin and error pining, til He appeared and the soul felt its worth." The soul felt its worth...Think about that statement. A feeling of 'worth' makes all the difference in this life. I've struggled to make it through some heavy conversations recently with people who I know feel completely worthless because they don't know God. To take it a step further, they feel as if God doesn't care to know them. I see people walk through the minefields of this life, being torn to shreds, all the while looking up to the Heavens and crying out for God to just show up. And He doesn't...

How can I blame them for their unbelief? How can I convince them that eventually God does show up? How do I prove to them that they are worth a damn, not only that but that they are worth more to God than anyone else? I've given up on words at this point. I'm not eloquent enough nor are words divine enough to heal the wounds inflicted on the soul. I'm trying to be a little, flickering light in the darkness illuminating the truth that is the love of Jesus Christ, but I don't know if people have a high enough pain tolerance to make the journey back to Him. Especially if it means giving up the only piece of comfort they've found in this world; in sex, drugs, alcohol or even anger, pride, and selfishness. I know people who have been surrounded by "christian influence" their whole lives and God has still not entered their hearts. I sit down to coffee with these people and listen to stories about wanting God so badly but never being convinced of His willingness to be in a relationship with them. They feel as if they don't merit God's attention, they're not worth His time. Part of me just wishes I could be like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile and just lay hands on these people and suck all the darkness and pain out of their lives so they could see the beauty of God's grace in their lives. I want to prove God to people before it's too late. I'm slowly finding out that that will never be my job.

I'm tired. It's been a long day and an even longer week. I'm feeling...spiritually exhausted, if there is such a thing as spiritual exhaustion. I went to a memorial service today for a girl I met in February of 2010 while I was working at a United Methodist Conference for teenagers called Youth Alive. Her name was Reggie Nicholson and she was one of the key speakers at the conference that year. She shared her testimony of finding God amidst all the pain and suffering she experienced during the treatment of her cancer. Reggie was strong, charismatic, pure and beautiful. Not long ago her cancer came back and her story took an unexpected twist. That confident testimony of healing and restoration was tainted by further suffering, a myriad of medical treatments, and ultimately her passing just a week after her 19th birthday. I watched her closest friends and family mourn her passing today and I felt ever so thankful to have known her as briefly as I did. That's all it took for her to make a profound impact on me.

I know it pains God a thousand times more than it hurts me to see people suffer. I just never understand His timing or His methods and I really want to so I can at least explain it to all the really pissed off, hurting people of this world. I feel like Christmas time is the only time we all come together and really admit to ourselves that great things will come with great patience, and that there is hope for the hurting. The Holiday Season makes us optimistic for the future and all the possibilities it holds. We believe we have the power to change, to heal, to grow into the people we want to me. It seems as if that feeling hardly makes it through January.

I tried reading through Job the other day in order to better my understand suffering. I hardly made it half way through the book before I was completely discouraged and put it down (I'll come back to it). The hopeless optimist in me is fading as I look out at the city of Los Angeles and see only darkness. People have lost their sense of worth because of death, suffering and injustice and I doubt the power of my light to convince them otherwise.

I want to end this post with an uplifting message of inspiration and encouragement but I just don't have it in me. This blog has always been about being authentic and I don't want to compromise that now just because I'm going out on a low note. I feel that if you don't admit the lows then you can never truly appreciate the highs.