Covert

When I was a kid, my brother and I would spend a big chunk of our summers driving around with our dad looking at houses. My father was an appraiser back then so his job required that he measure, document, and compare houses in the surrounding areas of the particular house he was appraising in order to formulate a reasonable estimate of that house's true value. Sometimes these real estate scavenger hunts felt as if they lasted all day and all night, and then all the next day too. My brother Will and I would try to find ways of entertaining ourselves, but this typically ended in some form of punishment as we usually roughhoused in the spacious backseat of our Bronco, or played hide and seek in the vacant house my dad was measuring. My father had an uncanny way of hearing us cause trouble no matter how far we thought we were from him, and as we got older we had to learn how to be more covert when breaking the rules. While I can't speak for my brother, I find that to this day I am indeed still very covert when it comes to breaking the rules.

I don't say this to brag but rather to confess an unfortunate quality about myself that has been developed overtime through sheer survival instincts. When I was younger I just wanted to be able to stay up late, own a samurai sword, or play with firecrackers. Now, the desires are much more R-rated in their nature, the persuasion to disobey is more convincing than ever and the punishment for breaking the rules is far more devastating. What I've realized as the stakes have been raised is that there is no level of stealth attainable to sneak past the Father. I will never be covert enough to fool Him into believing that I was really just playing peacefully in my room when in actuality I was defiling His temple. There is no space under the bed where I can hide my paraphernalia from Him and pretend that I just keep stacks of Bibles under there. Most of all, there is no lie that I can profess that He has not already condemned within me. I've messed up a lot in these past 23 years. More than I care to admit, but I would not be the man I am today had I not found the redeeming truth that lies within every punishment I received for my transgressions.

I like to think that I have been punished enough in my short life time to be considered a connoisseur of castigation, at least when it comes to divine correction. What I've come to understand about the way God punishes us is that His worst punishment is no punishment at all. In other words, we suffer most when God just lets us be. God's punishment redirects us and makes us aware of His divine sovereignty. However, when we are left to wander aimlessly down dark paths our journey can only end in despair. I've only experienced this kind of abandonment once in my recent past and it is something I never wish to experience again. I'd rather suffer a divine spanking for running out into the street than suffer the pain of being run over by a truck of despair.

I believe despair is the direct result of God's absence in response to sin in our lives, and in essence, is the greatest pain we can experience. I don't believe that any part of Jesus' crucifixion was as painful as when He looked up to the Heavens and felt completely abandoned by God. Jesus didn't deserve that pain because He never sinned, but because we do, Jesus got the ultimate shaft in suffering despair like no one else has ever suffered despair. I got a taste of despair this past July and it nearly broke me. If I got a 3 out of 10 on the despair scale, I can't image what it was like for Jesus to get an 11. Yes, His scale goes to 11.

It's hard for me to conclude my thoughts on all that I've learned from straying off the path so often, but here goes; There's a lot out there that seems so promising yet ultimately leads to total self-destruction. It's sad how pride can fool you into thinking you always know what's best for yourself. Darkness is contagious and the moment you start convincing yourself that a certain kind of darkness is an unavoidable evil, that is the very moment that you give the enemy a foothold in your life. You give him an inch, soon he'll devour a mile. I think having a good memory is crucial to surviving darkness because when it's all you see it's nearly impossible to believe that there is still a flickering light far off in the distance. Jesus remembered the light on the cross, can we remember it in times of despair?

Therein lies the rub...