Catching Up to Katie

I recently read a book called Kisses from Katie written by a young woman named Katie Davis, who at the age of 18 went on a mission trip to Uganda and fell in love. Katie fell in love not with a handsome young man, but rather with a country and a nation full of people in need. After her senior year of highschool she moved permanently to Uganda and started caring for young, sick orphans, which soon sprang into a fully-funded non-profit that sends hundreds of impoverished children to school all while caring for their medical needs and providing meals for them throughout the week. Katie actually ended up adopting 13 young girls who were in the most desperate situations. Katie Davis has done all this by the stagering age of 23. I know Katie would probably rephrase that by saying "God has done all this through me", and that's just another testament to her extreme humility.  

I was blown away by all that God has done through Katie. Her amazing heart and courageous attitude have opened a miraculous door to God's will in her life that I both admire and envy. Part of me wanted to up and move to Uganda and try to marry this girl, yet another part of me wanted to emulate what she has done in this crazy, mixed up town called Hollywood. I don't think I'll be starting any schools or adopting 13 kids anytime soon, but I do believe I could open my heart as she has done so beautifully to the plan God has for His followers.

However, so much of me still questions whether or not I will ever be of any use to God in this city. I feel unequipped to handle the weight of sin and the veil of misconceptions that Satan has worked so hard to wrap around this society. After finishing Kisses from Katie it seemed to me as if there is more hope for Uganda than there will ever be for Hollywood. Maybe it has to do with the whole "blessed are the poor, the meek, the mourners, the pure of heart, and the persecuted" that Jesus talked about during the Sermon on the Mount. There is hope for those people, so hope fuels Katie's mission. I, on the other hand, feel much more like I'm ministering to the city of Judah during Jeremiah's time as a prophet there. Judah was so far from God that He told Jeremiah on multiple occasions not to even bother with praying for the people of Judah (Jer. 7:16, 11:14, 14:11). God goes so far as to say to Jeremiah that "I will not let my pity or mercy or compassion keep me from destroying them." (13:14) That's a far cry from being blessed in every imaginable way.

Despite all these misgivings I have about ministry here, I cannot help but feel lead to at least try and facilitate some type of dynamic change in my community as Katie did. There is an undeniably great need for change here and a change that only a God who works through miracles can facilitate. When times of doubt and despair come along I cannot help but remember what the first days of this ministry felt like. I remember driving back from my first gig working on CSI:NY with the windows down blasting Frank Sinatra and feeling so hopeful about where God had brought me. The first few months went on like that and every deep conversation about Christ that occurred on set felt as though God had physically lead me to it. In contrast, I remember how all summer I was met with total despair and hopelessness as the task at hand seemed too daunting for any one man to conquer. Katie calls this one of the greatest lessons we must learn: "The tension between inefficiency and faithfulness". The contrast between feeling a distinct call to serve somewhere and the powerful feeling of spiritual uselessness that follows is a topic Katie is all too familiar with and describes eloquently in her book.

"The happiness that gave me chilll bumps was as deep as my loneliness. My sense of certainty about being exactly where God wanted me was solid, but just as firm was the fact that I wondered at times what on earth I was doing here. The frustration that threatened to overtake me on some occasions was just as deep and true as the unbounded joy I felt at other times."

I can't put a price on the knowledge that my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ are going through the same thing as me. Katie's experience quelled a great number of the questions I had floating around in my head about whether or not I was in the center of God's will. At one point, she quoted Fredrick Beuchner who said "The place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." I can't count the number of days where I have experienced a deep gladness to be working and serving in Hollywood. I'll be the first one to admit that sometimes the "deep hunger" here gets to be overwhelming, but at this point I wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel like if we aren't being overwhelmed by God's will from time to time then we probably aren't following God's will for our life. Katie also adheres to this belief as she writes "I believe that God totally, absolutely, intentionally gives us more than we can handle. Because this is when we surrender to Him and He takes over, proving Himself by doing the impossible in our lives."

How beautiful is that statement? It may not sound appealing if you live a comfortable life, but to those of us in the field taking fire from all directions, it comes across like sweet music to our ears. I know He will wear me down to my bones, but I can't wait to see how God shows up in my life to work miraculous signs and wonders here in Hollywood. I'm giddy with excitement for the day when I can look back on a life well served and well used by my Creator. I hope and pray that big things begin to happen soon, for I am indeed impatient when it comes to witnessing the glory of God here on Earth. While I know that everything happens in God's perfect timing, I'm still eager to catch up to the kind of work Katie's been doing.

Converting Satan

I have a problem. There is this nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me I can save everyone no matter their disposition on faith. No matter if they're extremely violent, bitter, hateful, gay, or just lost in general; I believe with the right words or enough time spent together that they can be reached. I want to believe that somehow the light of Christ can break through whatever walls they may have spent a lifetime setting up and eradicate the darkness of their soul. Sadly, I'm beginning to think that there is a harsh truth I may have to accept which contradicts this hope I have spent my life nurturing.

When people get into heated discussions with me, some would call them arguments but I try to never argue because no positive change ever comes from an argument, they often say that I come across as unrelenting or even exasperating with my tireless pursuit of some type of resolve to the conversation. It may seem as if I want everyone to believe exactly what I believe, but that isn't true. I only want people to believe what I believe when I think that their beliefs cause them harm. I truly want what is best for everyone despite our differences because I believe that everyone impacts the world with how they handle themselves. If someone is "self-destructive" they are not just harming themselves but the community around them as well. It may not even be a community they themselves perceive but it is indeed there. I can't simply drive my car irradically down the freeway saying "It's my car and I can drive how I want! If I crash and burn it only hurts myself anyway!" Anyone who has been in a car accident and lost a vehicle or loved one to a careless driver knows that our mistakes often have profound ripple effects that travel unexpectedly through the world, even impacting complete strangers. It is for this reason that I want to evoke as much good in people as is humanly, or should I say divinely, possible.

Look at the impact that one cocky, pissed off angel had on humanity. Lucifer conned humans into letting Sin enter into the world and forever changed our destiny. He took with him God knows how many other angels who were at one time goodhearted followers of God and corrupted them into demonic figures who stalk the earth looking to terrorize human beings. Knowing myself, if I were in Heaven when Lucifer rebelled I would have been pleading with God to just let me talk to him for a bit, to let me hang out with him and get to know his side of the story, maybe play some basketball together or go see a movie and grab coffee afterwards so I could develop enough trust and credibility to speak into his life. I know this is foolish but I just can't shake this enduring hope, this relentless optimism that somehow God could use me to change even the vilest of beings.

I believe that there is a good inside everyone and everything God created that can all too often be severely repressed in our hearts. While I believe it can be repressed, I do not believe it can be extinguished. People usually lift up Hitler as one of those people who was so clearly beyond salvation. I think Hitler had a pretty screwed up childhood and that he developed a twisted comfort in hate rather than love at an early age that grew into total depravity. It's incredibly tragic how our neglect can cause enough pain in one person's life to inspire genocide years later. It is for this reason that I have to believe that Christ's enduring love poured out through us can cause and even greater impact on people's lives. I have to believe that. This life doesn't make sense if that isn't true and our God is not a God of true love if that's not true.

So this is the part where Scripture kind of rains on my hopeful parade...I know Jesus talks about there being one unforgivable sin, that being blasphemy against the Holy Spirit in Matthew 12:31. This fact is echoed throughout parts of the New Testament, such as 1 John 5:16 which goes so far as to say that we shouldn't even bother praying for people who have committed this sin. That's harsh to me, but it doesn't mean I disagree with it. It clashes with my soul because it means there are people in this life that will completely understand who Christ is and was and is to come, yet still be able to thoughtfully reject Him. The prime example of this, besides Satan and Hitler, would have to be Judas. I feel bad for Judas because someone inevitably had to be born as Judas in order to fulfill the prophecies made about Jesus. If we all cast lots before we were born into this world, then Judas drew the shortest possible lot and got the shaft where the sun don't shine. How sad to be so close to the Son for so long and be destined to never truly taste His love and grace, and instead suffer God's eternal wrath. Satan experienced the greatness of Heaven and still rejected it! How are these things possible?! What is it about our human nature (or angelic nature for Satan) that can be so corrupted that we can have Jesus right in front of our faces and still say "Get lost, I'm better off without ya." I know I'm supposed to turn my back on these kind of people and shake the dust from my sandals at them but I just can't do it. Maybe I need to be broken down a bit more until I'm jaded about humanity, but I find myself constantly praying for these hopelessly lost types.

As I end this discourse on reaching the unreachable I'm humbled by how Scripture constantly reminds us that we may feel justified in our questioning of the ways of the Creator but in actuality it is the most arrogant thing we can possibly do. Romans 19:17-22 says:


¹⁷ For the Scriptures say that God told Pharaoh, "I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you and to spread my fame throughout the earth." ¹⁸ So you see, God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen. ¹⁹ Well then, you might say, “Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven't they simply done what he makes them do?^{" 20} No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?" ²¹ When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn't he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? ²² In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction.

Echoing this point of view is Proverbs 16:4 saying "The Lord has made everything for His own purposes, even the wicked for a day of destruction." I don't know if I'm not allowed to pity the jars that were made to be thrown into the fire or not. It seems like a crappy deal to me, but who am I to question the will of an all-powerful, all-mighty, omnipotent God? I hope God sees my compassion not as dissent against His will but merely a love for what He created---all that He created. I'm trying to accept His will for creation day by day and not waste my time trying to convert Satan or save Judas from disaster, but it's more difficult than it seems; for how do we know who is really a 'Judas' or a 'Pharaoh' and not just someone who is extremely lost yet still retains the possibility of being saved?

Questions without Answers...That's as good a place to stop as any.

Movie God

"I was born to do make movies. This is my essence, ya know? If I couldn't do this...I might as well blow my brains out."

Now, I knew my roommate was committed to making movies. It's all he talks about, all he thinks about, all that he stresses out about and dreams about. He is a self-diagnosed insomniac and spends most of his nights and early mornings watching films only to come in and out of mild sleep. Movies are his life. On top of all this, he tells me he is a fellow Christian. His name is Tom.

I like Tom, sometimes. He is boisterous, loud, charismatic, and a salesman if there ever was a salesman. He can pitch any idea or opinion, no matter how outlandish, with such confidence that you find yourself actually believing that there might be an inkling of valid reasoning or actual proof behind what he is saying. He'd be the first person to buy you a beer or welcome you into the house. I pity Tom with all my heart.

Tom recently finished production on a movie that he wrote, directed, marketed, and invested in with all of his time, energy, and money. It's called Nomad, it's a science fiction action movie, and it's absolutely terrible. Tom believed that this movie would allow him to break into the industry and begin his ascent into stardom as a major movie writer/directer, but sadly I'm beginning to believe that it will never happen for him. Last night we were having a discussion about his future and what he plans to do now that his film has still not sold (he literally has searched the globe for foreign and domestic film studios that would be willing to buy his movie). As we talked it became more and more apparent that becoming a successful director is all that matters to Tom. He mentions getting married and having a family but only in a flippant tone that pales in comparison to the excitement with which he discuss his dream career as a film maker.

Eventually it got to the point where I asked Tom what he would do with his life if he couldn't make movies. That's when I got the response I quoted earlier. I was shocked at the veracity of his statement. I simply shuffled back against the kitchen counter and half chuckled out "That's a little scary, Tom." He asked me what I meant and being that it was 2:30am in the morning and I'm already too honest with my opinions even when I'm well rested, I simply stated "Well, it sounds like movies are your god." That sparked an amusing dispute, to say the least.

I don't think Tom is used to anyone giving him such an honest opinion. I've only ever seen people agree with him or if they disagree with him then he just talks over them until they give a sigh of defeat and ask themselves "What's the point?" That to say, I think I startled Tom with such a heavy, loaded response. While my concern was for Tom's well-being it certainly must not have come off that way. He was caught off guard and once he was able to grasp what I said he jumped right on defense. I realize now that Tom has never been concerned with understanding what anyone else is saying; he merely waits to give his own opinion or correct your point of view (Proverbs 18:2). I know I was taking a certain liberty with my opinion that I may not have earned in Tom's life but that doesn't change the fact that all signs point to the fact that Tom spends his life thinking, working, and loving film yet occasionally professing this devotion to God. It's as if I were to say I'm a SF Giants fan yet I wear all LA Dodger's colors, I cheer for the Dodgers, and I discourage the way Giant's fans act.

People do this all the time. True faith equates change and evokes action. We can't claim to know God and yet do nothing for Him. People who claim to know God and yet live aimlessly are mistaken, for they simply know about God and have no clue about His amazing call on their life. They have no relationship with the Creator and you can watch how their life cracks and crumbles in ways that it would never do if there was the stability of Christ within them. One of the scariest passages in Scripture to me is Matthew 7:21, which says "Not everyone who calls out to me, 'Lord, Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven." I'm afraid for Tom and many others like him. I don't know for certain where Tom will go when he dies but I do know how he spends his time, how he talks about women, how he views money, possessions, and fame. I know that he knows a bit about God but I don't know if he knows God. I worry for him. I worry for many in this town who think they know what is of true value in this life. I wish I could realign everyone's perspective to see the importance of the Kingdom of God above all else (Matthew 6:33). I wish I could make movies that would make people realize that movies aren't God, money isn't God, and fame certainly isn't God.

Maybe someday...