Listen Up

I have a lot of topics I've been meaning to write about for weeks now. The ideas circulate in my brain for a while but when I sit down at the computer to exhale my thoughts, there is no interest left to project them out down from my head to my finger tips to the keyboard. Sometimes I feel a strange pressure rising up in my chest. I wonder what it is that I've forgotten to do but the source of the pressure is not from what needs to be done but what I think I've got to do in order to maintain this fictional notion of productivity. It bugs me that it's hard to just sit in His presence sometimes. To just be present. To listen...

We spend a lot of time asking God to help us get to where we want to go, to feel what we want to feel, or to become what we think we should be. We say "I'm ready God! Anytime you want to do my will, I'm ready!" Then we wonder why it seems like God isn't doing anything. He's just not doing what we want. Maybe if we took the time to truly align our hearts with God's direction for our life, we would ask Him for things that He would grant. I know I often feel like I have to be doing, doing, doing to be aligned with God's purpose for my life. It's as if we have to hustle Jesus for progress in this world. "See God? See how much I did? Wanna hook me up with some money, a husband/wife, a new place, or a better job?" Oswald Chambers wrote "Sometimes there is nothing to obey and our only task is to maintain a vital connection with Jesus Christ, seeing that nothing interferes with it."

Technology makes it so easy to constantly be reminded of the work yet to be done, the people we still need to call, the things we need to fix. Paul said that as Christians "We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort..." I think it's a good reminder to know that God's not looking down at anyone thinking "No, no, no! If only he had chosen to work another hour more he would have been noticed by his boss, gotten the promotion, earned enough money to start that non-profit he always dreamed of, met his wife, started a family and lived happily ever after. Well, now he's just going to die alone, stuck in the quicksand of middle-management for the rest of his life." 

We should try our hardest to do great things for the Kingdom, but we should also try to not try too hard. We have to understand that our efforts are futile to a certain extent when they overtake what it is God actually has planned for us. We complicate everything about God's plan when it's really more simple than we think. All it takes is for us to slow down every now and again. Turn off anything electronic and just be still. Listen. Don't put a time limit on it. Seek His voice in every and all situations and you'll be surprised how He sounds.

Coming Out of The Cloth

I have this reoccurring conversation on set and around town here in LA quite often. It goes like this;

"So are you out here to act, write or direct?"
-"I'm not sure yet. I just graduated last May and I'm still figuring things out."
"Oh really? Where'd you go to school?
-"Azusa Pacific University. You ever heard of it?"
(Unconvincing nod of assurance) "Yea, yea sure...What'd you get your degree in?"
-"Theology"
(Awkward silence) "Really? Huh...Neat.

One of two questions may follow from this point and they are "So are you religious/Christian?", or "Do you want to be a pastor then?". The progress from there is left up to God but that is not my point. My focus is on the awkwardness, the palpable tension that arises each time I come out of my theological closet to reveal a part of me that no one, from just looking at me and my occupation, would ever have guessed would be such a significant part of me. Sure I'm a clean-cut, white boy who looks like he probably grew up in the burbs under a "christian household", but almost everyone had to go to Church at some point in their childhood and that doesn't mean they take it with them into the real world as an adult, especially in Hollywood. Some may even say they believe in God, or that they pray, or that they are really spiritual and open to many paths to "god", but you don't see them choose to study about God or dare to let it impact their social life, hopes, dreams, or aspirations. As soon as I utter the words "I believe" I am a leper.

I could openly say that last weekend I did some ecstasy, purchased sex with a prostitute (male or female), and paid for an ex-girlfriend's abortion, and in most social circles that I'm surrounded by, those things would be completely acceptable to talk about in polite conversation. I might even get a few laughs about it. How do I know this? I've heard each of those examples discussed among groups of people I've sat with and heard no one even come close to expressing an attitude of disdain, reprehension or condemnation. However, I constantly get people looking at me wide-eyed and confused, sometimes even with a hint of disgust, as I express that I chose to study about God in college instead of hooking up with semi-conscious coeds while smoking weed and taking shots of cheap liquor.

Back when I was at APU, I heard a lot of boisterous talk about "Being in this world, but not of it". There is a popular Christian clothing brand called Not of this World and they make stickers, clothes and other various items that profess this ideal with the letters NOTW. If you were to peruse the parking lot at APU at any given time when classes are in session you would see cars by the dozens covered with these tacky NOTW stickers. They make me laugh when I see them now because I've realized that this statement really sets up casual christians for a catch-22. Most people I see with these stickers or other items proclaiming to be NOTW are either so enveloped by Christian culture and community that they never go into "the world", or they are so "of the world" that this superficial statement plastered on their clothing and cars leaves them with enough of a sense of fulfillment in their spiritual life to allow themselves to avoid actually changing their words, beliefs, and actions to fit a lifestyle that is consistent with the Gospel.

I live in the world. It is not a pretty place to be most of the time. Sometimes I am definitely of this world when I shouldn't be. It is an extremely difficult task to constantly be surrounded by your greatest temptations, have your deepest insecurities exposed, and be ridiculed and made an outcast for what you hold most dear to you in this life. There is nothing cool about being not of this world. It's a battle everyday and I'm not so sure my civic is ready for that kind of hip declaration, at least not the way I drive in LA traffic (which is the way most people drive). But I try. I honestly try so damn hard...

Something I'll never forget from Scripture is that when the Church was first starting up after Jesus' death and resurrection is that the initial believers did not call themselves "Christians", but rather they were labeled as Christians by the gentiles who heard them preach in Antioch. Acts 11 tells us that most of the believers were preaching only to the Jews but a smaller group decided to go out and talk to the gentiles, those who were considered of the world. Verse 26 says that Saul and Barnabas stayed in Antioch to preach and live among the gentiles for a year and it was then that they earned the title of Christian. It wasn't a title with which they just flippantly described themselves after they attended a few Church services, taken a few bible classes, went on a mission trip, or sang in the church choir. They ate, slept, lived, and breathed Christ's life and teachings, shaping themselves into little replicas of Christ, aka Christians.

It will never be easy to openly express my beliefs in this society. It's never easy to make your environment a product of you rather than the other way around. But I know with Jesus anything is possible. I know with Christ I can avoid the one night stands, casual alcohol and drug abuse, addiction to fame and fortune, and other various socially but not spiritually acceptable behaviors. I don't want to leave this world with just stickers and trendy clothing to explain who I was and what I lived for. I want to live with such genuinely Christlike love for all people that my beliefs can't be ignored. I want to live as close to a pure and blameless life as I can with morals not shaped by society but by something greater and more profound. I want the non-believers, all the modern day gentiles I've spent my life with to stand around at my funeral and say "He really was a Christian."

Easter Eve Reflection

Jesus will be getting up soon. What did He do for those two nights His body lay in the tomb?

Today is Easter and millions of people will go to Church today, many who never go except for twice a year. I don't want to critique them, condemn them, or pity them anymore. I'm tired of having to explain this stuff or rationalize my beliefs. I don't know how any rational human being can know the story of Christ and ignore its implications. On a basic level, how can you watch The Passion and not be moved enough to seriously question the life of Jesus Christ from Nazareth?

People baffle me. We will focus so much of our attention on the most meaningless things in life and then be bold enough to question the meaning of life. I'm pretty sure we will never find true meaning in our life through spending hours researching who Kim Kardashian is dating.

Jesus sure went out with a bang but He spent the majority of His life as a carpenter. I feel like I'm building a lot of tables these days. I wonder what His life was like then...I would have loved to spent a workday with Jesus and then went out for beers afterward. I know we're supposed to have "relationship" with Christ who lives within us, but there is no replacement for having a physical human body to look at, listen to and touch. I want that. I wish He was here now. I want to say I'm jealous of what the disciples had but their lives almost all ended in martyrdom via brutal executions.

Still, we focus on very few days of Jesus' life in the Christian Church. What about all those years in the workshop? Don't most of us spend the majority of our lives in the workshop being groomed by God for that one specific ministry we are called to?

What was Jesus' daily life like before He went on that 3 year mission trip with His 12 buddies? What was the breakdown of how He spent His days hour by hour? Did He catch up on all the latest gossip? Did He tell jokes or listen to old men tell stories of past victories? Did He practice sports or music? We are called to daily live our lives for Christ but we never think about how Christ lived His daily life before His journey began in His thirties. I love Easter. I love Christmas. But everyday is not Easter or Christmas. Most days are just "Monday, Tuesday, Thursday" etc.

Jesus walked out of a tomb roughly 2012 years ago today and left a mystery the world has never fully understood nor believed. I'll never know what He did those thirty years before His ministry began. I'll never know what He did those two nights His body lay in the tomb. I hope one day, in the next life, that I get to ask Him. All I know for now is that there is nothing else worth believing in this entire world, nothing more worthy of my time, nothing that merits the dedication of my life more than that Man who lived a better life than anyone else who has ever walked this earth before.

"Suck Brick Kid!"

God has a wonderfully effective way of smacking me right upside the head when my mind starts wandering off to dark places. When I begin to feel anxious, restless, or uncertain about the future the last thing I usually want to do is read Scripture, but it always seems to be God's weapon of choice when it comes to making spiritual adjustments. Initially, His unfailing truth hits me like a brick I should have seen coming from a mile away (I imagine He has a lot of bricks prepared for me in my journey, much like Macaulay Culkin on the roof in Home Alone 2). However, the impact is never painful, just strong enough to knock me back on track.

This evening as I was feeling extremely unsettled with work, finances, and the future so I just sat in the most uncomfortable chair in my apartment and wondered what could possibly be the next step. Luckily, I had my iphone in my hand and something compelled me, possibly the power of Christ, to open up my handy dandy Bible app. The last thing I had been reading was Philippians 2 because I was looking for a verse about complaining, something I'm sure I'll blog about in the near future. What caught my eye in that moment was the verse just before the one I had researched days earlier, and that is Philippians 2:13 which says "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him."

The second half of that verse is what really carried the weight of the realization God placed in my heart. God is giving you the POWER to do what pleases Him. I already feel like I have the desire to do what pleases God. That desire has shaped my whole life. However, I have never been secure in my belief that I have the power to do what it is will please God. I have such grand dreams of accomplishing miraculous things for the Kingdom in my lifetime, but I am often plagued with the fear that I will get in the way of myself, that I will somehow obstruct my own path and hinder my potential to serve Christ to the fullest. Tonight I was reminded just how foolish it is to worry about what I can do, for it is not my power that gets anything truly good done in this world.

I love the book of Philippians because it focuses on humility. Humility is so counter cultural, so offensive to our human nature (especially mine), that the thought of accomplishing true humility is overwhelming. It's like trying to capture a unicorn. Although, I do believe nothing worth achieving is ever easy and maybe the best goals are the ones which do indeed appear to be unattainable for they leave room for God to act miraculously. I want to be truly humble someday so that my pride will cease to lead me to believe that I know what is best for my life and thus lead me into the snares of worry as my expectations never fit the schemes of this world. The reality is that I will most likely never reach this profound level of humility, but it's worth a shot. In the meantime, I'm sure God has plenty of bricks for a lifetime of loving guidance and correction.