is another chance to turn it all around." That line was floating through my mind today for some reason. It caught so much of my attention that eventually I had to do some research to find out where it came from. It turns out it's from a movie called Vanilla Sky. I remember watching the movie and being so engrossed by the story that it left me feeling almost violated by how deep it took me into the life of the main character, played by Tom Cruise, and how much I could relate to him. I remember telling my roommate at the time that I hated it because it was so weird and too artsy for my taste. But I realized today, all these years later, while I may not like the movie, it is still a great story. It sucked me in, made my feel something, and more than anything it made me reflect on what my own life has been and how I choose to live it. It resonated with me so deeply that as I sat in church and thought about what the past year has been like for me, a quote from that movie is what my brain conjured up.
"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around." I know sometimes I go into a tail spin once things start going wrong, and I know that things start going wrong right when I'm aligned most with God's will for my life. C.S Lewis once wrote that Satan is all about the least amount of effort for the greatest impact. That's why we often see our Christian leaders fall so hard. Pastors, Priests, Elders, etc. get caught up in sex scandals, embezzlement, and other various departures from acceptable behavior. The devil is a crafty SOB and he works on those who are the most noticeable, for their fall will create the greatest amount of collateral damage.
No one ministers to the ministers and the spotlight hides nothing. This past week, Jason Russell, one of the founders of Invisible Children and the creator of the KONY2012 campaign got drunk, exposed himself in the streets of San Diego, started vandalizing cars, and was eventually arrested by SDPD. I am in no way trying to express any feelings of superiority or judgement by sharing this story, for I have done some truly idiotic things while under the influence. Luckily, there was no spotlight on my life at the time. I completely empathize with Jason's situation. He is a devout Christian, but his documentary brought on the attention and scrutiny of the whole world which Satan used to break him. The KONY documentary attained over 100 million views over a few short weeks and positive change was sweeping over a situation that Satan had kept secret for decades. That, my friends, warrants a large bounty from the Devil himself. I don't care how devout a Christian you are, when Satan puts that kind of pressure on you, compounded by that much stress and attention, it takes a miracle not to crack. (not to say that Satan can't be resisted though)
I mention that story for the sole purpose of saying that we are all going to fall pretty hard someday. Those who never fall, never take a serious leap of faith towards God's call in their life. The important thing is to remember that His love and mercies are new every single minute of every day. The night may bring the storm, but the day will always give us the opportunity to turn it all around. We can sulk in despair as we dwell on how we will always fail and are never good enough, or we can choose to stop that toxic mindset this very instant. Every passing minute God gives us the chance to view ourselves as He does. This life is fleeting and to waste another minute with our hearts heavy laden with guilt because we can't live up to some divine standard that doesn't even exist would be a slight against God's overwhelming forgiveness for our sins. It's easy for God to forgive us, what's often harder is for us to forgive ourselves. I know Jason Russell probably feels that way today. I know I feel that way far too often. But, so help me God, I'm determined not to let it stay that way.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Out of Season
I think I enjoy Christmas music more in Spring than I do in Winter. That may seem odd but I think it's entirely appropriate. Jesus wasn't born in December anyway so why should His birthday music be confined to the winter months?
There is so much hope in true Christ centered Christmas music. Oh Holy Night, in particular, is one of my absolute favorites. "Long lay the World in sin and error pining, til He appeared and the soul felt its worth." The soul felt its worth...Think about that statement. A feeling of 'worth' makes all the difference in this life. I've struggled to make it through some heavy conversations recently with people who I know feel completely worthless because they don't know God. To take it a step further, they feel as if God doesn't care to know them. I see people walk through the minefields of this life, being torn to shreds, all the while looking up to the Heavens and crying out for God to just show up. And He doesn't...
How can I blame them for their unbelief? How can I convince them that eventually God does show up? How do I prove to them that they are worth a damn, not only that but that they are worth more to God than anyone else? I've given up on words at this point. I'm not eloquent enough nor are words divine enough to heal the wounds inflicted on the soul. I'm trying to be a little, flickering light in the darkness illuminating the truth that is the love of Jesus Christ, but I don't know if people have a high enough pain tolerance to make the journey back to Him. Especially if it means giving up the only piece of comfort they've found in this world; in sex, drugs, alcohol or even anger, pride, and selfishness. I know people who have been surrounded by "christian influence" their whole lives and God has still not entered their hearts. I sit down to coffee with these people and listen to stories about wanting God so badly but never being convinced of His willingness to be in a relationship with them. They feel as if they don't merit God's attention, they're not worth His time. Part of me just wishes I could be like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile and just lay hands on these people and suck all the darkness and pain out of their lives so they could see the beauty of God's grace in their lives. I want to prove God to people before it's too late. I'm slowly finding out that that will never be my job.
I'm tired. It's been a long day and an even longer week. I'm feeling...spiritually exhausted, if there is such a thing as spiritual exhaustion. I went to a memorial service today for a girl I met in February of 2010 while I was working at a United Methodist Conference for teenagers called Youth Alive. Her name was Reggie Nicholson and she was one of the key speakers at the conference that year. She shared her testimony of finding God amidst all the pain and suffering she experienced during the treatment of her cancer. Reggie was strong, charismatic, pure and beautiful. Not long ago her cancer came back and her story took an unexpected twist. That confident testimony of healing and restoration was tainted by further suffering, a myriad of medical treatments, and ultimately her passing just a week after her 19th birthday. I watched her closest friends and family mourn her passing today and I felt ever so thankful to have known her as briefly as I did. That's all it took for her to make a profound impact on me.
I know it pains God a thousand times more than it hurts me to see people suffer. I just never understand His timing or His methods and I really want to so I can at least explain it to all the really pissed off, hurting people of this world. I feel like Christmas time is the only time we all come together and really admit to ourselves that great things will come with great patience, and that there is hope for the hurting. The Holiday Season makes us optimistic for the future and all the possibilities it holds. We believe we have the power to change, to heal, to grow into the people we want to me. It seems as if that feeling hardly makes it through January.
I tried reading through Job the other day in order to better my understand suffering. I hardly made it half way through the book before I was completely discouraged and put it down (I'll come back to it). The hopeless optimist in me is fading as I look out at the city of Los Angeles and see only darkness. People have lost their sense of worth because of death, suffering and injustice and I doubt the power of my light to convince them otherwise.
I want to end this post with an uplifting message of inspiration and encouragement but I just don't have it in me. This blog has always been about being authentic and I don't want to compromise that now just because I'm going out on a low note. I feel that if you don't admit the lows then you can never truly appreciate the highs.
There is so much hope in true Christ centered Christmas music. Oh Holy Night, in particular, is one of my absolute favorites. "Long lay the World in sin and error pining, til He appeared and the soul felt its worth." The soul felt its worth...Think about that statement. A feeling of 'worth' makes all the difference in this life. I've struggled to make it through some heavy conversations recently with people who I know feel completely worthless because they don't know God. To take it a step further, they feel as if God doesn't care to know them. I see people walk through the minefields of this life, being torn to shreds, all the while looking up to the Heavens and crying out for God to just show up. And He doesn't...
How can I blame them for their unbelief? How can I convince them that eventually God does show up? How do I prove to them that they are worth a damn, not only that but that they are worth more to God than anyone else? I've given up on words at this point. I'm not eloquent enough nor are words divine enough to heal the wounds inflicted on the soul. I'm trying to be a little, flickering light in the darkness illuminating the truth that is the love of Jesus Christ, but I don't know if people have a high enough pain tolerance to make the journey back to Him. Especially if it means giving up the only piece of comfort they've found in this world; in sex, drugs, alcohol or even anger, pride, and selfishness. I know people who have been surrounded by "christian influence" their whole lives and God has still not entered their hearts. I sit down to coffee with these people and listen to stories about wanting God so badly but never being convinced of His willingness to be in a relationship with them. They feel as if they don't merit God's attention, they're not worth His time. Part of me just wishes I could be like Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile and just lay hands on these people and suck all the darkness and pain out of their lives so they could see the beauty of God's grace in their lives. I want to prove God to people before it's too late. I'm slowly finding out that that will never be my job.
I'm tired. It's been a long day and an even longer week. I'm feeling...spiritually exhausted, if there is such a thing as spiritual exhaustion. I went to a memorial service today for a girl I met in February of 2010 while I was working at a United Methodist Conference for teenagers called Youth Alive. Her name was Reggie Nicholson and she was one of the key speakers at the conference that year. She shared her testimony of finding God amidst all the pain and suffering she experienced during the treatment of her cancer. Reggie was strong, charismatic, pure and beautiful. Not long ago her cancer came back and her story took an unexpected twist. That confident testimony of healing and restoration was tainted by further suffering, a myriad of medical treatments, and ultimately her passing just a week after her 19th birthday. I watched her closest friends and family mourn her passing today and I felt ever so thankful to have known her as briefly as I did. That's all it took for her to make a profound impact on me.
I know it pains God a thousand times more than it hurts me to see people suffer. I just never understand His timing or His methods and I really want to so I can at least explain it to all the really pissed off, hurting people of this world. I feel like Christmas time is the only time we all come together and really admit to ourselves that great things will come with great patience, and that there is hope for the hurting. The Holiday Season makes us optimistic for the future and all the possibilities it holds. We believe we have the power to change, to heal, to grow into the people we want to me. It seems as if that feeling hardly makes it through January.
I tried reading through Job the other day in order to better my understand suffering. I hardly made it half way through the book before I was completely discouraged and put it down (I'll come back to it). The hopeless optimist in me is fading as I look out at the city of Los Angeles and see only darkness. People have lost their sense of worth because of death, suffering and injustice and I doubt the power of my light to convince them otherwise.
I want to end this post with an uplifting message of inspiration and encouragement but I just don't have it in me. This blog has always been about being authentic and I don't want to compromise that now just because I'm going out on a low note. I feel that if you don't admit the lows then you can never truly appreciate the highs.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)